| . |
| . |
| The 2002 Cadillac Anderson Award Winners Greg "Cadillac" Anderson was so much more than an unattractive power forward. He provided countless people with entertainment, humor and most importantly, hope. Hope that they too could someday overcome their resemblence to Drac from Enemy Mine. It is with this spirit in mind that we present this year's All-Cadillac 1st and 2nd Teams. |
 |
 |
| 1st Team All-Cadillac |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| The back-court duo of Francis
and Cassell might very well be the most unattractive in NBA history (excluding the Dennis Johnson/Calvin Murphy tandem of the late 70's). Francis, in all liklihood, will be a 1st-teamer for life. |
| Trivia question: who is the only
player to be a member of the All-Cadillac Team while still in college? Answer: Sam Cassell. While at Florida State, Cassell's head was the same size it is now even though he weighed 45 pounds less; oddly enough, he is uglier now. |
| Miller is a newcomer to the
team, but nonetheless a true legend-in-the-making. The Magic have a formidable "Fugly-Factor" with the emergence of Tracy McGrady and his Popeye Jones-like wandering eye. |
|
| Steve Francis |
|
| Sam Cassell |
| Mike Miller |
| Popeye Jones |
|
| Jones recieves more attention
than the others, and rightfully so.
He makes Cadillac Anderson
look like Pamela Anderson. His
"Sloth-Factor" is astronomical (to the point where the producers of Goonies II desperately courted him due the death of John Matuszak). League officials are considering separating the All-Cadillac Teams into sub-sections, with the first-team being renamed the "All-Popeye Bunch" in tribute to him. Jones is a lock for the forthcoming "All Dennis Johnson First Team," the ugliest players in NBA history. He may be the first player accepted to Springfield based solely on looks. |
 |
| Georghe Muresan |
| No compilation of this sort can ever be complete without Ghorghe. The panel members are well aware of the fact that he no longer plays in the NBA, but it doesn't really matter. Federal law mandates that Muresan be the focal point of all Cadillac-related teams through the year 2025. It is out of our control. That is the type of presence this man has in the "Ugly Industry." Imagine this: had Gheorhe not retired, he would have been paired with Popeye last year with the Wizards. The comedic level of those games would have been historic. Wizards apparel would be the hottest items in sports. |
|
| 2nd Team All-Cadillac |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| Chris Crawford Looks like Kubiak from Parker Lewis Can't Lose. |
| Dikembe Mutumbo Dropped from 1st team for first time in 11 seasons. |
| Jamal Mashburn Prolonged association with the Hornets has made him much uglier. |
| Arvydas Sabonis Wears a size 16 fitted hat. |
| Tyrone Hill The first time that a potential "ugliest-player-in-NBA-history" got dropped to second team. |
|
We are blessed to live in an age full of so many potential All-Cadillac Team members. The exponantial growth in unattractive basketball players has led to the formulation of a multitude of awards, including the "Charlotte Hornets Memorial Ugliest Team in the League Award." The CHMUTLA is a tribute to the 2000-2001 Charlotte team that boasted perhaps the most unattractive starting five in professional basketball's long and ugly history (including the hideous 1980's Celtics); its constituents included Mashburn, Elden Campbell, Baron Davis, and David Wesley. Though the award is yet to be distributed, inside sources say that the New Orleans Hornets are frontrunner (of course), followed closely by the Dallas Mavericks (Popeye Jones, Shawn Bradley, Walt Williams and Dirk Nowitzki). Expect the award presentation within the month. |
|
|
|
|
|