The Tim Henman Awards

The Tim Henman Awards

Roy Hobbson

Cliches are, by their very nature, trite. Overused. Not terribly amusing. In short, they're
kind of SportsPickle.com-esque. Or so we thought.

While we at Flipside have historically avoided cliches like we do parole hearings,
England's Tim Henman changed all that. He showed us that when a person is a walking,
breathing, apparently-allergic-to-flouride stereotype, there can be humor. Lots of it.

At Wimbledon this past weekend, Henman gave a press conference that shattered our
anti-cliche stance. Long story short, Henman's got some f---ed up teeth. And not just
f---ed up like Jewel's teeth, but f---ed up in the sense that this man has the jaw-structure of
a freshwater gar. Henman's teeth are
so utterly...English.

I know, I know. Commenting on an
Englishman's teeth is analogous to
making fun of an Irishman for being
drunk or a WNBA'er for being butch.
It's just too easy, too...cliched. But
Henman is different. His over-sized
chicklets look like they've been brushed
with Plaque-Inducing Pennzoil lo these
past three decades, if they've been
brushed at all. He is, simply put, an
outrageously over-the-top caricature of
an English tennis player. It's reality
imitating art. (Seriously, would it be a
stretch to imagine Henman with massive
amounts of chest fur and a vast
reservoir of mojo? No. Absolutely not.)

Therefore, in light of Henman's not-so-
subtle stereotypical deformity, we've compiled a list of those athletes who are exactly as
our preconceived notions say they should be. Below are the recipients of this year's
"Timmy's," the award that honors those who feel no need to stray from the perceptive
boundaries placed on them by society. They've endured so much, yet they've stayed true
to themselves. They've won the crowd, and in the process, their freedom. Timmy's, those
who are about to laugh salute you.

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John Daly (Arkansasian)

If you were pitching a low-budget screenplay
about an Arkansas red-neck who happens to
infiltrate the high-brow world of professional
golf, how would you portray him? How would
you squeeze every possible ounce of laughter
out of that unlikely scenario? You'd have to
make the lead character as Martinsville as
possible in order to obtain laughs. So how
would you do this? You would pitch John Daly.
That's how. This "Timmy" recipient is the
double-wide epitome of all Arkansasians. He's
a chain-smoking, on-and-off-the-wagon alcoholic
who travels to each PGA Tour event in a modified
trailer home. He's got roughly eight ex-wives and
about 208 pairs of Oakley wrap-around shades.
He is currently (or was at one time) addicted to
most every substance known to man, including
M&M's. He takes great pride in his "mamma's
hot-fudge pancakes" and the fact he has "cut
back" to roughly a case of Diet Coke per day.
And he writes country music. Astonishing.
(When it's all said and done, nobody will ever
win more "Timmy's" than Daly. Nobody.)

_______________________________________________________________________

Gheorghe Muresan (Romanian)

During the '80s, our collective perception of any
Soviet-Bloc athlete coming to America to play
sports was based upon one man: Andre the
Giant (God rest his drunken soul). Therefore,
when the Bullets drafted Gheorghe in 1993, we
all pretty much knew what we were getting
ourselves into. Before we ever laid eyes on him,
we just assumed that this guy would most likely
resemble a deranged James Bond character.
And Gheorghe didn't dissappoint. He was
disturbingly remeniscent of Andre's younger, uglier
and slightly retarded little brother. He had the Holy
Trifecta of traits that we'd come to expect from our
Soviet-Bloc athletes: (1) physical anamolies (his face measured 3'7" from forehead to chin); (2) pituitary gland disorders (his voice could only be heard by low-frequency ocean scanners and crocodiles); and (3) a follow-up career starring in movies with Billy Crystal. Gheorghe did Andre proud, and that is no small feat. This "Timmy's" for you, Mr. Muresan.

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Jean Van de Velde (French)

During the 1999 British Open, Van de Velde
single-handedly reinforced the world's
perception of the French. On the 18th tee,
needing a double-bogey to win, Jean went
all French National Guard and surrendered,
without a fight, to his nerves. When the dust
cleared, Jean had carded a crowd-pleasing
triple. Game over. Better still, in the midst
of the meltdown, he kind of wandered about
the 18th hole, chasing errant shots in and out
of creeks and bunkers and galleries while
furiously cursing in French like the little
Napoleon in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.
Had Van de Velde been smoking cigarettes
throughout the ordeal, he would have made a
legitimate run at Daly's almost incomprehensible
"Henman Factor."

________________________________________________________________________

Tyrone Hill (Klingon)

Throughout his 28-year career in the NBA, this noble warrior
has conducted himself with the same forceful, no-nonsense
approach that earned his people the respect of entire galaxies.
In stereotypical Klingon fashion, Hill was known for three things:
(1) his inspiring leadership; (2) for making constant and
believable references to death; and, (3) for subtly throwing his
patented "Klingon Spinal Chop" to would-be rebounders in the
lane. For example, in pre-game huddles, Hill was famous for
initiating this now-popular motto: "IF WE ARE TO DIE TODAY,
THEN WE MUST DIE A GOOD DEATH!!! WHAT TIME IS IT?!?
GAME TIME!!!" And Benoit Benjamin once complained of Hill
to the San Francisco Chronicle, saying "Lieutenant Worf needs
to chill out on dem f---in' elbows to my back." Tyrone Hill: a
Klingon 'til the end.

________________________________________________________________________

Mark Madsen (Caucasian)

On the court, Mark Madsen is whiter than the
4-H Pavillion at the State Fair. His constant
defensive stance (even while on offense) just
oozes caucasianality. Additionally, his love of
the "triple threat" position is more Howard
Garfinkel than Howard himself. But it is off the
court where Madsen's crackerocity truly shines.
During the Lakers' championship parade in
2002, Madsen demolished the previous record
for Most Awkward Caucasian Dance Sequence
(previously held by Jason Biggs after he broke
it down Freaknik-style for Shannon Elizabeth).
Unfortunately, at David Stern's urging, Madsen
was traded to Minnesota later that afternoon so
as to avoid the possibility of any further
championship-parade cabbage-patchin'. Damn.

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And there's the 2004 "Tim Henman Award" winners. Good show, gents...good show.