The Hierarchy of Stupidity
In case you missed it, Comedy Central recently ran a round-table type discussion
wherein a group of B-list comedians rated the top stand-up-comics of all time. 
Aside from the fact that the discussion was being moderated by Richard Lewis, it
seemed harmless enough.

But then it happened.

Coming in at #10 on the list was Eddie Murphy.  It was the first sign that something was amiss.  In all seriousness, an on-his-game Murphy is unbeatable.  How could there be nine better stand-up comics than Eddie Murphy?  How?  There can't be.  There just can't.  The list was rapidly losing credibility.

Then, inexplicably, all credibility vanished.  All of it.

Coming in at #9—one spot IN FRONT of Murphy—was Roseanne
Barr.  Roseanne.  Roseanne F---ing Barr.  Seriously.

Words failed me initially too.  I thought it was a joke.  But
unfortunately, it wasn't. 

Throughout my ensuing hyperventilation, one question kept
haunting me: has there ever, in the history of humankind, been
anything more stupid than considering Barr a better stand-up comic than Murphy?

Long ago, in the infancy of this site (when Flipsidesports.net was actually called HandsomePete'sOnlinePharmacy&FunnySportsStuff.net), all we ever really
did—aside from selling low-grade Percocet—was highlight the stupidity of various
people.  Granted, "various people" usually always meant "C. Jemal Horton," but
nonetheless, defining "stupidity" was our milieu; it was the foundation upon which
this site was built.

The time has come to return to our roots.

In response to Comedy Central's crime against common sense, the Flipside staff
held our own round-table discussion.  We decided to turn back the proverbial clock
in order to create the "Flipsidean Hierarchy of Stupidity" to see exactly where
Roseanne's topping of Murphy fits in.  (Remember: As always, nobody's blaming
anybody for simply clicking the "Back" button right now.)  Enjoy.    
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LEVEL 1
Designing an offense around Scott Pollard ... Ranking Gordon Gekko ahead of
Dickie Fox on the list of "All Time Best Professional Mentors" ... Calling yourself
"DJ Paul B"  ... The Flipside Archives ... Buzzing the tower after your request to do
so has been denied ... Deciding to relocate to the greater Beech Grove area ...
Biff Tannen ... Naming your kid "Dwayne"

LEVEL 2
Thinking that you can beat Speedway Williams' high score on that arcade game at
"Jillian's" where you have to bust various dance moves ... Calling yourself a "DJ
Paul B fan" ... A "Ring of Fame" that includes Chris Hinton ... Leaving Tayshaun
Prince off the next installment of the All-Cadillac Anderson Team ... The line, "Seen
a car full of girls, ain't no need to tweak / all you skirts know what's up wit 2-1-3" ...
Opting to go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line

LEVEL 3
Choosing to build a retro fieldhouse that is supposedly steeped in Hoosier hoops
history and mystique and filling it with the sounds of "DJ Paul B" ... Failing the Bar
Exam twice ... Placing Teen Wolf Too in front of The Borne Supremacy on the "Best
Sequels of All Time" list ... Thinking that going to the mall with your wife might be
fun this time ... Letting Verbal Kint just limp out of the police station ... Naming your
kid "Dwayne," but misspelling it D-W-Y-A-N-E on the birth certificate

LEVEL 4
The entire "I'm Lovin' It" ad campaign ... Ranking "Mine Shaft" behind an un-air-
conditioned beauty-parlor basement in Haughville on the list of "The 20 Best Places in Indianapolis to Sweat Profusely and Meet a Crack Whore"
... Special Agent Johnny Utah ... Anyone at a sporting event
after the year 1992 who encourages those seated around
him to do "The Wave" ... Deciding to play Ron Mercer at the
point in a critical game


LEVEL 5
Selecting Moses Malone to narrate your book-on-tape ...
Putting Searching for Bobby Fischer on your "Top Sports
Movies From the Past 25 Years" list ... The "Pacer Power
Pack" ... Thinking that a live interview on national TV with
a heavily inebriated Joe Nameth will be a good idea ...
Purdue grads' genuine heart-felt pride in their "World's
Largest Drum"

LEVEL 6
Building a team around Kobe instead of Shaq ... Building a sports-radio station
around Mark Patrick instead of any other person on the planet ... Permitting Rob
Morris to anchor your defense ... Jason "White Chocolate" Williams ... Being
surprised when the person you're chasing—the person you're trying to kill—runs directly toward an alley wall and does a backflip off that wall and lands behind you only to punch you in your stupid face

LEVEL 7
Getting drunk and passing out at a Sycamore Springs house-party 36 hours before
you're set to race in the Indy 500 ... Taking a charge at an open gym ... Ranking
the Indiana State Fair Midway behind Hell on the list of "The Top 10 Places to
Spend a Sweltering August Saturday" ... Buddy Lembeck ... Disregarding the
Surgeon General's warnings and eating "White Castle" while pregnant ... Even
considering using Jimmy as a decoy with the state championship on the line

LEVEL 8
Placing the famous Hobbs/Whammer carnival face-off behind the two guys spraying
weeds in those "Round-Up" commercials on the "Greatest Showdowns in Human
History" list ... IU deeming John Gruden unqualified to coach the football team ...
Replacing Bill Russell with John "Hot Plate" Williams on the NBA's "Top 50 Players
of All Time" list ... JMV ... The 1,793 rebel army soldiers who completely
surrounded—but couldn't quite kill—John Matrix during the final scenes of
Commando

LEVEL 9
Ranking "RB #32" from "10-Yard Fight" ahead of "Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson" on the
"Best Virtual Running Backs from the Past 25 Years"
list ... Putting Eddie Murphy behind Roseanne Barr
on the "Top 100 Stand-Up Comics of All Time" list ...
Devising an unwatchable and painfully ineffective
offense and calling it "The Quick"  ... Placing Finding
Forrester on your "Top Sports Movies From the Past
25 Years" list ... Dexter Manley

LEVEL 10
Deciding that you don't need to draft an unproven
2-guard from North Carolina because you already
have Clyde Drexler ... A Mike Davis "gameplan" ...
Any white guy who has ever worn (or considered
wearing) corn-rows ... The Anthony Michael Hall era
of SNL ... "Sir, I gotta go" ...  Sodomizing Marcellus
Wallace ...  Naming your kid Hunter or McKenzie or
Anfernee
__________________________________________________________________

More levels to be added later at this country continues to get stupider.
The Hierarchy of Stupidity
She's funny the same way lymphoma is funny.
(Flipside file photo: Sir Terrance and an unidentified skank
at Mineshaft—1996.)
"RB #32," while clearly one of the more underrated virtual backs, can't compete with Jackson's ability to bench press 1,200 lbs. and run a 2.2 40.
September 18, 2004