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| The Mokeski Awards: The NBA's All-Time Whitest Players |
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| Steve Kerr (PG) |
| Kelly Tripucka (2G) |
| Jack Sikma (SF) |
| Paul Mokeski (PF) |
| Rik Smits (C) |
| Kerr is a new-comer to the team. Trust us, in 15
years, he might be regarded as the whitest player
in NBA history (aside from Paul Mokeski, of
course). It's hard to imagine now because of his
association with Jordan, Pippen, et. al., but when
that wears away, he instantly leap-frogs to the front
of the
All-Caucasion Team. Honestly, he makes Ollie
from Hoosiers seem like Huggy Bear from Starsky
& Hutch. He was so white, in fact, that even Luke Longley referred to him as
"Casper." And Dave Corzine called him "square."
Just the mere mentioning of his name conjures up
images of flat-footed jumpshots and text-book
bounce-passes. The buzz-cut blonde hair. The
almost florescent glow of white coming from his
skin. The running hook-shots in the lane. The "aw-schucks" demeanor upon hitting a title-winning jumper. It's all there. He is a legend in the making. |
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| If Kerr is a blossoming "All-Caucasion" new-comer,
then Tripucka is the old and wily veteran. He's
been a staple on this team for decades now, dating
back to his days at Notre Dame. Truly, he is this
team's most recognizable figure as he has
reinvented the term "whiteness." Tripucka gained his notariety with an Epstien-from-Welcome-Back-Kotter-kind of Jerry-curl. The one problem: he kept it until 1991. Then, while with the Hornets, Larry Johnson, Alonzo Mourning and company convinced Tripucka that all the kids were gunning for a Skippy-from-Family-Ties feathered look that required a can-and-a-half of hairspray. Naive as he was, Tripucka wore that style until his retirement in 1993. Always roughly 15 years behind the fashion trend, Tripucka will always be remembered as the founding father of this team. |
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| Just when you think a team can't get any whiter,
Jack Sikma is thrown into the mix. Sikma is kind of
an incapsulation of this whole team; he has a little
of everyone. Moreover, if you watch a tape of the
NBA's Greatest Dunks (1988), one out of every
three is basically on Sikma's dome. And when it
comes right down to it, that is a factor the panel
members compiling this team consider heavily.
With that being said, Sikma was the second-leading vote getter (behind Paul Mokeski, of course). The 9" verticle. The physique of a two-iron. He was destined to be dunked on. David Stern would not be where he is today without the sacrificing nature of Jack Sikma. He is a living legend to whom the high-flyers of the league hold in very high esteem. |
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| Paul Mokeski. Those two words almost
single-handedly say more than I ever could. His
whiteness transcends sport. The double
wristbands. The utter lack of lateral mobility. The huge gut. And finally, the granddaddy of all whiteness: the Ron Jeremy mustache (not pictured, unfortunately). Mokeski's porn-stache made Larry Bird, circa 1982, look like a blonde Magnum P.I. If you've never seen Mokeski play, he had the all the grace and rhythm of a Mark Madsen celebratory dance. He is unquestionably without equal. Currently, as Willie Mays holds the title to "Greatest Living Baseball Player," Mokeski wears the crown of the "Whitest Living Basketball Player." His caucasian-ness may never be surpassed; he is truly a man among boys on this, the whitest of teams. |
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| It's a fact that Pacer fans have been wrestling with
since the early 1990's: Rik Smits may be one of the
whitest guys on the planet. We suspected it with his
constant wearing of a mullet (Smits could have
been, with no other credentials, at least a
All-Caucasion 2nd Teamer based solely on his hair).
However, we knew that this was an unavoidable
fact when Rik shaved his head for the 2000 playoffs.
Like the "Sikma-Factor" (percentage of dunks in a
game which occur on a player's head), the "Smits-Factor" has recieved national attention in determining a player's true whiteness. It is as follows: if, by shaving your head, you detract your total overall appearance by more than half, you are extremely white. (For the record, Smits made an unprecedented move with those few swipes of the clippers: he solidified his role on this team for life and he became a prime candidate for the NBA All-Ugly Team, which, coincedently, is forthcoming). |
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