The 2005 Dickey's

Joan Rivers is foaming at the mouth. Billy Crystal is considered funny. Teary-eyed acceptance speeches made by self-absorbed millionaires permiate the airwaves. Richard Gere and Bono are doing their best to make us better people by telling us about the plight of the Malaysian Flying Squirrel right before they read off the nominees for Best Sound Effects Editing in a Foreign Film. The latest rapper to combine rap and polka is being hailed as a creative genius. Mr. Blackwell has dry cleaned his scarf. And fat women across the country are buying US Weekly and People Magazine by the bushel. That's right...it's awards season and all the biggies are given away during the final months of winter. The Oscar's, the Golden Globe's, the Grammy's, and most importantly, Flipside's very own Dickey Awards.

What are the Dickey Awards, you ask? Bad sportscasting deserves to be recognized, and we at Flipside have taken it upon ourselves to pour over hours of video/audio tape to find the very
worst that the sportscasting industry
has to offer. Cliches, clashing
outfits, overt sluttiness, pandering
to teams or athletes deemed
detestable by Flipside, goiters,
annoying vocal quality, contrived
ebonics (a.k.a. "Stuart Scott-ing" it
to give the appearance of "street
cred"), and overall stupidity are
taken into consideration when
choosing our various Dickey
winners.

The award itself is named after the
one man who personifies all of the
aforementioned broadcasting
deficiencies...the loquacious Eric
Dickerson. So here it is, our most mean-spirited column of the year: the 2nd Edition of the "Eric Dickerson Awards For Broadcasting Excellence."
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The Broadcaster Most Likely to be Having An Inappropriate Off Field Relationship With An Athlete/Coach

Dick Vitale (ESPN)—It's hard to believe that it took Dickie V this long to take home a Dickey award. However, this season Mr. Vitale has taken his on-air homoerotic overtones toward Coach K a little too far. During the broadcast of the most recent Duke-North Carolina game, Vitale made the following statements:

-"You can't tell me that guy is 57. His hair is way too nice."

-"Oh! Oh! Oh!"

-"You can't beat the excitement you feel in Cameron Indoor Stadium".

-"Oh! Oh! Oh!"

-"I'm here to tell ya', Coach K does it the right way".

-"Oh! Oh! Oh!"

-"Brad Nessler...I love coming here!"

Decide for yourself. We assert that Wojo has two daddies.
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The Donald Rumsfeld Overreaction Award

Jay Mariotti ("Around the Horn")—The always level-headed Windy City scribe defiantly proclaimed that the baseball steroid scandal is the "Watergate of our time." Let's take the liberty to make some of our own proclaimations:

-Bob Kravitz is the "William Shakespeare of our time"...

-Mike Davis is the "Douglas MacArthur of our time"...

-Mayor Bart Peterson's handling of stadium financing is the "New Deal of our time"....

-LaBamba's is the "St. Elmo's Steakhouse of our time."
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The Stevie Wonder Creative Collapse Award

Bill Simmons (ESPN.com and ESPN the Magazine)— Much like the award's namesake who went from recording "Songs In The Key of Life" to "I Just Called to Say I Love You" in a short period of time, the once brilliant Simmons has simply fallen apart. As a long time devotee to his "Sports Guy" column on ESPN's Page 2, it was truly disheartening to see Simmons appearing on VH1's
"I Love the 90's." The guy who gave the masses a brilliantly hysterical minute by minute recap of the movie Hoosiers is now hanging out with French Stewart while waxing nostalgic about the Backstreet Boys' debut album and the adorableTeddy Ruxpin.
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The "Most Likely to Have Been Given a
Swirly in High School" Award

Max Kellerman (Fox Sports Net)—These four
things I know are true: (1) The host of "I, Max" is
definately a "Dapper Dan" man; (2) Kellerman was
cut from the JV golf team in high school; (3) Max
served as the "Sherminator's" stunt double in
American Pie; and, (4) Chinese carry-out always
leaks onto your car seat.

Kellerman's inherent obnoxious fits in well with
Fox Sports Net (aka, the network that Mark
Patrick, Tony Bruno and Tom Arnold built).
______________________________________________________________

The "Bob Hope/Ashton Kuchar Cue Card Reading" Award

Tim McCarver (Fox)—The master of the obvious stated in the closing moments of the World Series, "Sometimes ordinary Foulke become EXTRAORDINARY Foulke." Not only was that line written sometime in late June, but he delivered it like he was St. Paul giving a sermon on Mars Hill. And why shouldn't he? Without the former bullpen catcher, who would tell the drueling masses that "the Cardinal pitchers are looking to throw first-pitch strikes to get ahead of the Boston hitters"?
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The Stacey Paetz Award

Stacey Paetz (Pacers In-Studio Host)—She is
so incredibly bad she has an award named in her
honor. This award goes to the female
sportscaster who releases the most cliches,
biblical references, giggles, and "uhs" during a
telecast while simultaneously making the
audience daydream of the broadcasting bliss of
the Scott Hoke era and what Johnny Damon
would look like in drag. The staff at Flipside
believes that Paetz could be the first repeat
award winner in Dickey's history when the 3rd
annual awards are doled out next February.
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The "Most Likely to Sell Their VCR To Buy Some Crack" Award

Woody Page ("Cold Pizza" and "Around the Horn")—Not only does he look like Phyllis Diller in men's clothing, but the former Denver Post columnist is in possession of a speech pattern that is one part George W. Bush and three parts Evander Holyfield. Bug-eyed, hyperactive, and the owner of a hairstyle that looks as if he just finished French kissing a light socket, Page can make Robin Miller sound like Sir Winston Churchill.
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The "Rain Man 'I'm a Good Driver, I'm a Good Driver'" Award

Brent Musburger (ABC)—This award is given to the sports announcer who most often repeats the same cliche or catch phrase. Musburger wins this competition in a walk. Below is a transcript of last season's Ohio State-Michigan college football game..

"Another big pickup for the Buckeyes!"
"Braylon Edwards gettin' it done in the Big House!"
"Another big pickup for the Buckeyes!"
"Braylon Edwards gettin' it done in the Big House!"
"Another big pickup for the Buckeyes!"
"Braylon Edwards gettin' it done in the Big House!"

We get it, Brent. "Buckeyes" is a fun word to say. "The Big House" is in fact the nickname for Michigan Stadium. And we know that you got your underwear at 400 Oak Street in Cincinnati, Ohio.
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The "My Mother Has A Bootleg Copy of a German Shintza Video Starring a High Level Network
Executive So They Had to Hire Me"
Award

Linda Cohn (ESPN)—This year's TMMHABCOAG-
SVSAHLNESTHTHMA award was given to the much
feared and never revered "Hunchback of Bristol."
Why was she hired, you ask? Below is an official
ESPN employment criteria checklist from when she
was hired at the worldwide leader.

1. Looks...No.
2. Talent...No.
3. Knowlege...No.
4. Former Athlete...No.
5. Female...We already have plenty of qualified
women on staff.
6. Potentially Embarassing Artifact...Yes. Linda's
mother has a copy of the foreign film "The Brown Bratwurst," starring Michael Eisner.
______________________________________________________________

So there it is folks...this year's "Eric Dickerson Award for Broadcasting Excellence." Tune into next year's show, hosted by Tom Arnold right here on WHMB-40.

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Past Dickey's Awards:
2003

Max's Ben Davis-esque goatee and Zoolander-like expression clearly indicate that he is an idiot.

"Hey, Al...check it out. I be up on TV! I be up on TV! Whoomp, there it is! Anyways, the Packers be needin' to score more points if they gonna win. Back to you guys in the booth."

Paetz (above) often scowls at reporters who question whether God belongs in the Pacers' halftime highlights.

"And check out A.I. shooting the rock! Three's are neat. Way neater than two's. Hahahahahahahaha!"

ddurrant@flipsidesports.net