2003 Dickey's

After a lifetime of watching and listening to sports on television and radio, we were truly amazed by the number of sportscasters who have apparently been hired without a demo-tape confirming their abilities, the ability to speak English, or basic knowledge of the sport that they are covering. Flipside is taking upon ourselves to give credit to ineptitude where it is due, and to formally recognize sportscasting futility. Hence the purpose of the "Dickey's." We decided to name the award after a man who took the ability to speak in tongues to the most prestigious sideline reporting job in the sporting world: former Indianapolis resident Eric Dickerson (not the Ravenswood Buick dealer, but the hypochondriac-ish running back for the Colts throughout the 1980's). Without further ado, the 2003 "Dickey" Award winners:

The Magic Johnson Award for Articulation: Tim Hardaway (ESPN NBA Analyst)

After listening to Hardaway break down the 76er's offense for two minutes, I now know how Plato must have felt taking classes from Socrates. When the H-Man attributed Allen Iverson's ability to score points to his "knowin' to run where the people don't be," I felt the same epiphany that I had the first time I rode my Huffy without training wheels on Dean Road. Judging from Isiah's broadcasting career, it's easy to see how these two communicated so well when Hardaway joined the Pacers.

(Side Note: If this is how the modern point guard communicates to his teammates, it's easy to see how a Frenchman led his team to the title and why the average score was 54-48.)

The Bob Lamey Award for Objective Journalism: Peter Gammons (Baseball Tonight)

Peter Gammons is the hardest working man on television. Not only is he on Baseball Tonight at least five nights a week, he is also the Sports Information Director of the Boston Red Sox. For the last 15 years, the Gam Man has picked the BoSox to win that ever-elusive World Series crown. A typical Baseball Tonight conversation goes something like this...

-Ravech: Who do you like to win the World Series?

-Gammons: Boston Red Sox over the Boston Braves.

-Ravech: The Braves moved to Milwaukee and then to Atlanta, but I get your point.
Who is the MVP? Who will win the Cy Young?

-Gammons: Rich Gedman and Luis Tiant.

Flipside was able to obtain a copy of Gammons' ESPN job application. Here it is for consumption by the general public.

Name: Gammons, Peter
Hometown: Boston
Education: Boston College
Religion: Atheist. Buckner...86'. There is no God
Who is your favorite team? Boston Red Sox
Wife: Oil Can Boyd. They don't call him "Oil Can" for nothin'.

The New Coke-esque Idea of the Century Award: Rush Limbaugh (NFL Gameday)

Though he brings an otherwise great show down, it is quite entertaining to hear a guy who hasn't been able to see his belt buckle since Gerald Ford was in office bark at Steve Young about why Brett Favre has lost it as a quarterback. There might be a sick logic to his hiring...it might take an angry right-winging white man to understand a game played primarily by angry left-winging black men.



The Ray Charles Picked Out Your Clothes Award: Leslie Visser (Apologies to Michael Irvin and Craig Sager)

Wow. Her clothes are less coordinated that Steve Stiponovich on Soul Train. What's with the hair? Can't her husband (Dick Stockton) wait until after the game.



The Edward R. Murrow Elderly Confusion Award: Ted Marchibroda (Colts Analyst)

I must preclude my following comments by saying that Marchibroda is a very competent analyst, an under-regarded coach and--by all accounts--a wonderful human being. However, has anyone ever sounded older on the radio? He makes Paul Harvey sound like Carson Daily. An on-his-death-bed Harry Caray, 26 Budweisers deep with stroke-induced amnesia came accross the airwaves sounding healthier than does Ted. It's high-time the Colts' broadcasting team modernized their analytical talent...where's Weeb Ewbank?

Worst Transition From Print-to-TV Award: Bill Plaschke (ESPN's Around the Horn)

Plaschke is a wonderful columnist, but absolutely brutal on TV. His constant stuttering and staccato tone sound like a sportsified version of Morse Code. His face also has more tics than a Rocky Ripple 4-year-old's scalp.



Who Needs 46 Chromosomes and 32 Teeth Award: Robin Miller (ESPN 950)

Homophobia, rampant bias, hackneyed grammar, and low-brow self-congratulation are just some of the things that Robin Miller provides on the one-night-a-week, local racing show (entiteld "The Truth," which is honestly horrible). Note to Robin....CART is dead, Tony George won, nobody gives a shit that you used to drive Midgets, and Hogan's Hero impersonations are slightly less amusing than Magic Johnson's cancelled late night talk show.