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If we can speak freely for a moment, the age-old equation holds true yet again: unfounded drug accusations  +   sports  +   a massively time-wasting exchange of emails and IM's  ÷   impending libel charges  =   great fun.  Obviously.

That said, below are the 30 greatest drug-induced sporting feats of all time, according to the Flipside staff.  It's best not to ask questions here.  Because once we get locked into a work-distracting satirical email exchange, the tendency is to push it as far as we can.

Or in other words, we're idiots.  Bored idiots.  Our apologies in advance.

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(30) Leon Lett during the infamous and snowy Cowboys/Dolphins game —  Clearly not the only snow that fell that day.  When they zoomed in on his mug after the ill-attempted blocked kick recovery, his face was all wet like he'd been bobbing for apples.

(29) Don Zimmer attacking Pedro Martinez — When a 74-year-old white man attacks a jheri-curled, midget-toting Dominican fireballer ... it's quite obvious things have gone awry.  We're going to give Zim the benefit of the
doubt and say someone ruffie'd his
Metamucil.

(28) Larry Mize's 1987 Masters win —
He looked like a real life "ABC After School
Special" guy hanging around the school
yard handing out free packets of heroin. 
Scruffy white guys in purple pleated pants
always do.  

(27) Mickey Mantle's career from
1953-1962 — No way you can play
hungover for a decade without the help of something.  Some might call that "speculation."  But it's not.  Because to a man, the Flipside staff rarely gets off the floor after an all-night bender ... let alone play a doubleheader against the Red Sox in the August heat.    

(26) The moment of conception involving all athletes named Cornbread or Cadillac — Many out there have heard of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, "crack babies" and the like.  Frankly, you don't name your son after a side dish or a pimp-mobile without the aid of some powerful methamphetamines.  That said, if you personally know someone named "Cornbread," please contact us immediately.  And cherish the days, friends.   Because you're obviously blessed. 

(25) Tony Gwynn's 158-pound frame and Jerhi-curl in 1984 — The only thing that kept the weight off of Mr. Gwynn was a healthy diet of Fruit Smoothies (which just came into vogue in 1984) and copious amounts of china white. The guy looked like the second coming of Dolemite.  But sadly, he spoke like Stuart Smalley.  (Not to digress, but just once -- ONCE -- it'd be nice to hear Gwynn kick it soul-brothers-from-Airplane-style.  Just once.  Because it  would be beyond comical to hear a black man who sounds like a white man impersonate a black man.  Wow.  The orange barrels just kicked in.)

(24) Gary McLain singlenosedly beating Georgetown in the 1985 NCAA Finals — The guy who personally claimed to have snorted an "8-ball" on gameday shot 94% from the field.  You don't do that in big games.  You don't even do that on Sega's NBA Jam.  (And we're getting to you, Mr. Walton.  You and your 20-22 from the field will have to wait your turn. )

(23) Bob Beamon 1968 Mexico City Olympics long-jump competition — The guy basically jumped over the Rio Grande.  Whatever the 1968 equivolent of HGH was -- with acid being the likely candidate -- Bob was decidely on it.       

(22) Bob Griese's 100 meter swim in the 1977 "Battle of the Network Stars" — Who knew that Griese -- serving as the guest-athlete -- was an extraordinary swimmer? Certainly not Billy "White Shoes" Johnson, who was standing poolside wearing only a rhinestone-encrusted Speedo, a cowboy hat, and an ankle holster.  (Actually, there's a 99.6% chance that every member of both teams was coked up that year.  After all, Dan Haggerty clearly made beards and blow synonomous throughout this era ... culminating in that cocky, back-stabbing a-hole who got shot in the face by Hans in Die Hard.)

 (21) Florence Griffith Joyner at the 88 Seoul Games — The woman ran the 100 in a time that would make a Thompson's gazelle blush.  Add to that her trippy Pacers-jersey design and she was sauced up for sure. 

(20) Sam Perkins, 1982-2058 — Some people can hide their marijuana use.  Others try, but can't.  Sam, meanwhile, never even attempted to hide it.  His heroic "I-don't-care-what-you-think" mentality can only be described as Spicoli-onic.  And an entire nation tips its cap to you, Smooth.   

(19) Marv Albert and Frank Layden's narration on "NBA's Dazzling Dunks and Basketball Bloopers" — Layden's weight gain and subsequent weight loss is the stuff of legend. During the filming of this VHS classic, he was actually hitting a one-y and eating a box of Krispee Kremes.  If you listen to the outtakes, Albert is just dumbfounded ... yet slightly intrigued.

(18) Anything involving Tim "Rock" Raines in the 1980's — Raines' crack smoking ways didn't just affect him ... they affected an entire organization.  Just know this: "Youppi!" the Montreal Expos' mascot -- who ended his career looking like a homeless muppet strung out on ether -- was once a stately Christian camel named
"Winthrop." He and Raines started kicking it in 1982, though,
and things went down hill.  Winthrop soon changed his name
to an exclamation-point-ed French curse word and ultimately ...
well, you know the rest.  The team folded up shop in 2004.  Even
Olympic Stadium looked like it was on the pipe there at the end.
Just a sad demise of a proud organization.  All thanks to Raines.    

(17) University of Texas small forward Panama Myers — 
Heavily recruited out of Noriega East High School, home of the
Hurryin' Cocoa Leaves.  The Panama Myers era of UT
basketball will be remembered for three things: pajama-style
warmups, severely dated jheri-curled players, and Tom
Penders.  With those outfits and hair combinations, that team
was ... well, lets just say they were up against the stem.

(16) Brady Anderson's 58 Homers — Not since Toshiro
Takashi drugged himself up to win the "Chug-a-Beer/Bike-a-Lap" contest at Adams College has an otherwise mediocre competitor so blatantly over-achieved.  

(15) Jackie Earle Haley's cycling escapades in Breaking Away — Historians agree: this was the beginning of the Chrystal-Meth Era that has so destructively plagued rural regions.

(14) Willie Shoemaker riding two white horses during his '83 Derby win — Millionaire midgets and coke -- at least in the '80s -- went together like a hot dog and bun.  One without
the other would be probably be cause for concern.  (You are hereby dared to disagree with this assessment.)
(13) Keith Hernandez, 1985-1989 — An unprecedented run of snow-blowing.   His awesomely powerful mustache alone verifies that.

(12) Tecmo Bowl Lawrence Taylor — At this point, there might be a villager somewhere in the Congo who doesn't know of Tecmo Bowl LT's little secret.  And that little secret is this: pressing A-B-A-B-A-B-A-B-A-B-Up-Down-Up-Down after the second play of the 3rd quarter causes Virtual LT to army-crawl out to the 50-yard line and snort it up.   And even though
they didn't have the Madden-like player ratings back then, know that Virtual LT's athleticism subsequently goes from a probable 99 (out of 100) to somewhere around 38,471.  And that's when his virtual opponents start suffering imploded femurs and the like.  Good stuff.  

(11) Any Chicago Bulls game involving a pre-1987 Orlando Woolridge — If it was the mid-80's and your name was "Orlando" and you WEREN'T doing blow ... well, then something was drastically wrong.  (With "drastically wrong" meaning "a low score on the Glasgow Coma Scale.")  Naming your kid "Orlando" guarantees that he dabbles in heroin ... just like how naming your daughter or "Brandi" or "Cinnamon" guarantees a life of lap dances.

(10) Secretariat — Sorry ... not buying the autopsy that he merely had an "enlarged heart" that allowed him to synthesize oxygen and thus crush his opponents unmercifully.  That four-legged freak-show was hopped up on a whole galaxy of equine pharmaceuticals.  

(9) Garo Yepremian's ill-fated pass attempt in Super Bowl VII — That was just dripping with peyote use.  And his post-game explanation that he thought he was throwing it to the naked Indian standing atop the sand dune on the 12-yard-line doesn't detract from that.
(8) Darryl Dawkins ripping down rims in the mid-80's — In and of itself, that doesn't necessarily scream "drug use."  But add in the facts that he named his dunks (with everyone's favorites being "Turbo Sexophonic Delight" and "Yo Mama") and that he claimed to be from the planet "Lovetron," and ... well, the tell-tale signs of PCP abuse become quite clear.  But in an endearing way.  Because nobody judged him.  We just sat back and gleefully enjoyed the ride that was "Chocalate Thunder."  That man got it.  He got it. 

(7) Steve Howe — He was suspended from MLB seven times and was even reinstated once by an arbitrator who determined he depended upon the coke to address his attention deficit disorder.  Then, in '96, he is released by the Yankees for good ... and 2 days later is arrested for trying to take a loaded gun on a plane.  He is the Babe Ruth of cocaine abuse.

(6) Every game in "Sugar" Ray Richardson's basketball career (including high school) before the NBA banned him — That's not funny, really.  But telling a national audience that "tha ship be sinkin'" while describing your team is very, very, very funny.  (As a side note, that line is AP Poll-ranked #1 among sarcastic lines used by disgruntled husbands during opening statements of mariage counseling sessions.  America ... it's still worth fighting for.)
   
(5) John McEnroe's career — His coke-fueled rage attacks are apart of Americana.  And probably the basis of Tony Montona's character.  Seriously, would it be a stretch to picture
J-Mac giving Tatum O'Neal a live tiger as a wedding gift?  No.  Not at all.  There's a 92% chance that it actually happened.  Only Oliver Stone and Brian De Palma know for sure.

(4) Darryl Strawberry, 1985-2026 — Much like how world-class sprinters have long legs -- or how horse jockeys have all the aerodynamics and girth of a Frisbee  -- some people are built by God for one special purpose.  (Umm ... just so we're all on the same page here, Strawberry was blessed with a set of formidable nostrils
the size of man-hole covers.  You do the math.)   

(3) Lawrence Taylor, in perpetuity — Larry Phelps, take
it away. 

"True story coming.  Myself and a gambling afficionado
were down in the Bahamas in the late '90s at a casino
on Paradise Island.  We're playing a little blackjack,
and at the adjacent craps table is none other than LT. 
The attire was befitting someone heading out on a tweak
mission: aqua sport jacket, lightning-bolt earring, and a
pair of tinted swimming goggles on his forehead that he may or may not have known
about.  Basically, he was everything you'd come to expect from a habitual white-horse-riding
Hall of Famer. "

Very well then.

(2) Doc Gooden's 1996 no-hitter with the Yankees — The street value of Doc's "rosin bag" that day was somewhere in that $450k neighborhood.  Or so said the Federal Southern District Court of New York.

(1) When that minor league batter/ninja -- after taking a high fastball under his chin  -- drop-kicked the catcher before charging the mound — This isn't a stretch: it's probably the second greatest play in modern baseball history (just behind Willie Mays' over-the-shoulder catch in the 1954 World Series).   It used to be on YouTube ... but it's been removed.  As far as their legal department is concerned, that clip most likely falls into the same category as a home movie of a kid dropping acid and then delivering a two-story flying elbow to his buddy's forehead.  Arguably a little too graphic ... a little too promotes-ellicit-drug-use-and-hilarious-violence.  Whatever.  An entire country disagrees, YouTube.
Thursday, April 26, 2007