Headlines You Will Never See

Over the last couple of weeks, there have been sports stories run in the mainstream media that hardly seem possible. The most unbelievable of these stories have been directed at two teams of local interest (who have taken radical departures from their often troubled histories). Headlines like "Cubs Believe They Can Win the World Series," "Colts Play Suffocating Defense," "Tinsley Arrives at Camp Under 275 Pounds," "Reggie Wayne Has Big Game in a Colts Rout," "Colts Manhandle Titans," "Sammy Sosa Actually Homers With Someone on Base" and several other startling headlines have graced national sports shows and our local newspapers.

However, despite the recent and improbable success of two of the most beloved franchises of the area, there are simply some sports headlines that the world will never see. Here are a few that will never grace the cover of Sports Illustrated, the Indianapolis Star, the Indianapolis Recorder, Nuvo, or the Nora NorthsideTopics....

"Gene Keady's Wife Named to People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People List"

He-Man's arch enemy Skelator has a sister. She lives in West Lafayette. And, oh yes, she has a 15,000-watt tanning bed in her house. I can't believe that I am saying this, but I actually think that Gene Keady underachieved.

"Legendary Colts Defensive Back Eugene Daniel Set To Be Inducted Into Pro Football Hall of Fame"

I had seven football posters in my room as a child.   Five of them featured a football player burning Eugene Daniel for a touchdown. Daniel was the NFL-equivolent to "Powder": he got burned easily and everybody hated him. You can watch any NFL Films special profiling any receiver from 1983-1993 and there was a 90% chance that narrator John Facenda would utter the following sentence: "As great as (insert player name here) was against Green Bay, it was against Indianapolis later that same fall that (insert name) terrorized the opposing secondary like a lion stalking a gazelle. (Insert name) beat the Colts so often and so badly that battered Colts DB Eugene Daniel said he would have rather been trapped in a confined space with Ike Turner than be torched by (insert name) again." Notre Dame's Carlyle Holiday would even throw for 350 and 6 TD's if he went up against Daniel and Nesby Glasgow.

"Former Colts QB Gary Hogeboom Wins Pay-Per-View Tough-man Competition"
I always found a way to get a good grade in middle school Health class, and much of that is due to Colts' QB Gary Hogeboom. He injured a different body part every time he was tackled. In the first four games following the 1987strike, Hogeboom's injury report became the perfect cheat sheet for any anatomy test. However, Hogeboom did not leave the game without a legacy. Mike Tyson told Flipside in our exclusive interview that the Colts' wayward QB was his primary inspiration for the "Glass Joe" character on his much ballyhooed "Punchout."

"Bonzi Wells Donates Testicle to Cancer-Stricken Friend"

Sources close to Flipside who attended Ball State with the ever-polite and studious Wells have made it semi-public that the MAC Conference all-time scoring leader had two less balls than the average can of Penn tennis balls. Do the math, and you'll either find this funny or appalling.

"ESPN College Game Day to Broadcast Live From Outside
IU's Memorial Stadium"

Riiiight...and Oprah will keep her weight off, Ben Davis will ban mullets in the student dress code, Martinsville will open an all-black college, Jamaal Tinsley will win the NBA Defensive Player of the Year honors, Stetson University will outlaw under-handed free throws, Julia Carson will join a local MENSA chapter, Carmel girls' sports coaches will keep it in their pants, Purdue will discontinue the sale of Moon Pies/Beef Jerky/Corn Nuts in their student cafeteria, Dan Burton will donate his white hood to an Urban League fund raising auction, Terre Haute will stop smelling, the Watson's girl will get her virginity back, and Matt Nover will make a big screen acting comeback.

"Former Star Columnist C. Jamal Horton Wins Pulitzer Prize for Literature"

In his acceptance speech, Horton thanked the faculty and staff at the Derek Zoolander School For Kids Who Don't Read Good.

"DMX to Sing National Anthem at This Year's Brickyard"

While DMX has long been a fan of Sterling Marlin, I don't see him losin' his mind up in there.

"Male Pacemate Vocal in Opposition of the Legalization of Gay Marriage"

Not that I have a problem with this or anything, but I get the impression that MP watches figure skating, can reccomend a Streisand movie, thinks that In Through the Out Door is Zeppelin's greatest album, and is great to travel with because his shit is already packed. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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And here are some headlines that you might see....

"Kurt Warner's Wife to Play Johnny Unitas in Colts: The Movie"

"DNA Tests Confirm that Shawn Kemp is Kojak Fuller's Father"

"Croshere Has Sex With 18,000 People At Once"
4.2 PPG, 2.8 RPG, $53,000,000....If that isn't screwing the fans, I don't know what is.

"Devon Durant to Marry Fox59 Reporter Catt Sadler"

Headlines You Will Never See

Devon Durrant