I finished my workout. I sat down with a tall glass of water and a bag of Funyons. Turned on the television. Tuned out my wife's questions about whether or not she should bring a casserole to my parent’s house for Christmas Eve. Hunkered down to watch a little SportsCenter. And what do I get instead? A f----n' Thrashers-Coyotes NHL game.
After being subdued by a bunch of "white coats" who put me in a straight jacket, I have come to terms with something that has been eating away at me for quite sometime:
I hate hockey. I really do. And not in a "I hate that Dan Dierdorf is calling the Colts' game" kind of way. No, I hate it the same way Jerry Falwell hates gays, rap music, and holding off on pirating the offering plate.
Hockey is a terrible spectator sport that runs in the face of everything that I love about athletics. It's bad enough that the sport is nothing more than basketball, played on ice by white people, with perpetual turnovers and no scoring. What makes it worse is the
bizarre and special treatment this cult activity receives from the national media.
If aliens were to descend on our planet and watch any random December edition of SportsCenter, they'd believe that the NHL was
nipping on the heels of the NFL, NBA, and Major
League Baseball as one of the most
popular sports in America. Say what
you will about NASCAR, but I see far
more Earnhardt 3’s on the back of cars
than I do Gretzky 99’s. Plus, NASCAR receives
about one-half of the ESPN air time that the NHL
receives.
For the record, there are some things about hockey
that I do admire: (1) I play the sport occasionally
with friends and it is one of the more grueling and
exhausting physical activities that I have ever
endured. There are no out-of-shape hockey
players. There is not an Oliver Miller, a Corey
Simon, or a David Wells to be found on an NHL
roster. (2) the few professional hockey players that
I have encountered are beyond decent, gracious,
and approachable. These guys make the
members of the USA Women’s Soccer team look
like a cross between Amorosa and the Go-Go’s on VH1’s "Behind the Music." And, finally, (3) let’s give credit where credit is due...Slap Shot was a kick-ass movie.
However, these noble attributes are irrelevant when analyzing the overall crappiness of a sport that is so bad it makes me want to watch soccer on Telemundo. Sword swallowing is difficult, shepherds are nice too, and I liked Pride and Prejudice, but that doesn’t mean
I want any of those broadcast on the "all sports" network. There is much more to hate about the national sport of Canada than there is to love...and here is a brief sampling:
A bunch of mullets and fistfights.
Is this a sport or a Management/Bouncer labor dispute at Kokomo’s Hip Hugger Gentleman’s Club?
The sport has the timeliness of a girlfriend’s dog.
Whenever you are dying to watch the highlight of the previous night's Vince Carter dunk or Reggie Bush touchdown scamper on SportsCenter, you'll inevitably encounter an Avalanche-Rangers five hour showdown. Just like when you are making out with a girlfriend and a giant lab wearing a bandana jumps on you and ruins…eh, I better stop right there before Mrs. Durrant reads this…
Be either basketball or a bunkhouse battle royal...There's no
in-between.
Have you ever watched how hockey players sub in to game? They just jump over the wall while play is going on. That's really cool in the WWE when a battle royal is ready to commence, but hockey ruins that "can’t miss" scenario by making an equal amount of players jump off of the ice and back on the bench. Either stop play and check-in like a big boy, or turn the place into East Lansing after a Michigan State Final Four trip. There is no middle ground.
At least, there shouldn't be.
It is anti-democratic.
One of the great things about sport (in fact the best thing) is that it serves as the great equalizer in American life. People from different backgrounds can compete fairly on a field free of advantage. Domincan boys who used folded milk cartons as gloves make the Major Leagues. Poor kids from French Lick and the Bronx hone their skills in barnyards and Rucker Park and make their way to the NBA. Kids play football in parks all across the country. Tennis..the ultimate white boy, country club sport, is relatively inexpensive compared to hockey. There is a reason that Culver, Park Tudor, Culver, Harvard, and Colgate dominate in hockey. They are the only people who can afford the equipment.
It’s a freakin’ mess…
Watch a goal-scoring highlight on TV sometime, and you'd think that all of the players were being riddled with bullets like Bonnie and Clyde. Asses and elbows cavorting all over the place, it seems that most great plays are just an accident of proximity. Players pawing on each other. The tiny black speck flies all over the place. All-Stars trip over themselves. The organist accompanies P. Diddy tracks. A hockey game is messier (not Messier) than the graphics on a NASCAR shirt. I like my dorm room disorganized...I like my sports graceful and controlled. Imagine if every touchdown was scored on a fumble recovery. Picture every layup being muddled by a flagrant foul. What if A-Rod tripped over first base on every liner he hit in the gap. That is what sports would be like if they all emulated hockey.
In conclusion, hockey on television to me falls into the same category as midget porn, Ham radio, and coin collecting. I don’t care if you like it, even if it is a little strange. Knock yourself out. I am not saying it should be outlawed.
Just keep it off of my damn television set. |
