Boxing analyst Max Kellerman defended his assertion that boxing was best of all sports by offering the following hypothetical. “Picture yourself at an intersection. On one corner is a group of kids playing stickball. On another corner kids are playing basketball. On the third corner they are playing a game of football. On the remaining street corner two kids are in a fight.” Kellerman then asks rhetorically, “Which corner do you want to watch?” While Kellerman is inadvertently glorifying assault-and-battery, he does make a pretty astute observation: whether it’s watching King Kong disembowel a T-Rex, or tuning in (again) to Ali-Frazier III on "ESPN Classic," everyone loves to watch a great fight.
With that in mind, has there ever been a more fun-filled gladiator pit than the typical Amercian elementary school playground?
Now don't get me wrong. I am in no way condoning violence against children. Nor am I endorsing wife-beating, assault-and-battery, war, gang violence, the movie Juice, the Ultimate Fighting Championship, the lyrics of Toby Keith and Ludacris, Japanese game shows, or Russell Crowe’s treatment of the “help.” I'm just saying that every man—and I mean EVERY man—can appreciate a "Rumble in the Jungle-Gym," a "Swingset Smackdown," or some "Civil Unrest by the Eagle's Nest."
Gandhi, Bono, and Kanye can talk all they want about world peace, but if Brooks and Tucker are playing a game of full-contact Eraser Tag under the "Witch's Hat" at Spring Mill Elementary School, they'll be driving their hybrid full speed on the streets-with-no-names to make sure they get a front row seat.
Conservatives…Go ahead and put Intelligent Design in our kid’s textbooks. They’re
going to learn about natural selection the hard way at about 1:00 after banging away a
tray full of tots.
Liberals…You don’t keep score at Little League games. See if I care. There will always be a score to settle if little Billy keeps trying to cheat at Four Square.
That's why I have taken it upon myself to help teach the latest addition to the Flipside family a couple of time-honored tricks of the playground brawling trade. These tips are for you, Roy Hobbson Jr. Listen well and you shall prosper.
But what are your credentials?, you ask. Well, I'm a career 3-0-1 in playground fights. I have won by employing a wide array of fighting styles. I used traditional Greco-Roman grappling in my lopsided win over Robert McDaniel in 1982. Jujitzu choke holds got me out of a post-"Pencil Pop Jam" scrap against Durrand Barnett in 1984. Guile, guts, and determination got me my swing back in my epic struggle with Jimmy Bell in 1983.
In other words, I know what I am talking about, Roy Jr. So shut your formula hole and listen up.
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Rule #1: Always—and I mean always—throw the first punch.
Chivalry is most definitely dead. Alex Hamilton tried to play fair with Aaron Burr after fixing the nation’s third homeroom election for little Tommy Jefferson and it got him nothing but a bullet in the chest and a finger painting on the front of the $10 bill. Whether you throw the first haymaker or not, you''ll be in lunch detention, so you might as well take the first crack at turning little Johnny’s face into Sloppy Joe’s.
Rule #2: Never back down against a kid who claims to take Karate classes.
The Karate Kid always fits one of three molds:
(1) A liar who will be exposed as a fraud when you use his stomach as a teather ball.
(2) A small, inward-thinking kid whose parents enrolled him at Steve Johnson’s "A-OK Karate Dojo" to build self esteem. Self esteem takes a long time to build, but is easily destroyed. Connect on one forearm shiver and you'll have a kid who will wither away like
a flu-stricken Andrew McCarthy.
(3) He’s the real deal and was put in Karate school because his father is into Pit Bulls, Confederate flags, and the UFC. If the kid turns out to be Johnny Lawrence, don’t fret. You have officially struck the "Street Cred" jackpot. 50 Cent got shot nine times and look what it did for his career. Take your beating and watch your legend grow as the one guy who took on the Superfly Snooka of the Sycamore School.
Rule #3: If you are outmatched and are out of non-violent conflict resolution options, make as much noise as possible and turn it into a wrestling match.
Wrestling matches in the snow or gravel rarely have clear-cut winners and losers (while they minimize the possibility of external disfiguration). Making a lot of noise will get the teacher/principal/recess monitor’s attention and will get you out of the lose-lose situation as quickly as possible.
Rule #4: If the fight is inevitable, weigh your chances before picking your venue.
If you believe you are going to win the fight, be sure to take it outside. Fighting on the playground maximizes exposure, spectator satisfaction, and the fight will last longer because the teacher is far away pitching kickball. Recess typically involves the whole grade at once, and you''ll give all of your contemporaries an opportunity to watch you make Timmy say "Uncle!" under the duress inflicted by your hammer locked Full Nelson. The Jungle Gym, Eagles Nest, and the rolling hills of the schoolyard provide excellent site lines for your classmates.
(If you feel that you're going to lose, however, attack immediately. The teacher will get there
promptly. The crowd will only be a fourth of the size and desks, easels, film projectors, science projects, and computer terminals will muddle the site lines of your demise.)
Rule #5: Never scrap with the kid with a mysterious past.
He has a beard. His parents skipped Back-to-School night. He played for your YBA basketball team for one game before never returning. He walks to school. He asked to trade you a switchblade for your Fruit Roll-up. Both you and the local authorities know
who I'm talking about.
Make no mistake about it, Roy Jr....this kid will destroy you. If he wins the fight, he'll employ a lethal finishing move. If you win the fight, he will remember your name and will eventually purchase a gun permit. Stay away.
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Those are my five rules for playground brawling, young Roy. Do your homework. Listen to
your Mom, and stay out of trouble.
But if push comes to shove and your back is against the locker, just put 'em in a body bag,
son. Put 'em in a body bag. |
