Shove It Up Your Class

Roy Hobbson, Handsome Pete, Speedway Williams, Sir Terrance of Stansbury, Shaun Souers, Devon Durrant and JMV

John Wooden called it "a crime against our culture." It's gone over about as well as Clay Aiken would go over at Club Mecca. On the "respect for history" scale, it ranks barely ahead of the two guys who robbed Rosa Parks on a subway.

In a pathetic attempt to establish fairness, a group of carpetbagging, self-serving, high school principals have violently attacked one of the few state heirlooms that make Hoosiers different from Iowans and Nebraskans. Those same principals who created this Soul-Plane-sized monstrosity in the name of "fairness" have replaced it with something far worse. Indifference. Right
now, high school basketball in Indiana has about
the same relevance as the NHL, the League of
Nations, and the acting career of Alan Thicke.

For those who haven't heard, the boys basketball
sectionals start this week in half-empty gyms
across the state. In my current place of
residence, long standing rivals Bloomington
North and Bloomington South will play their
opening round game tonight. Will they play in
Bloomington? Of course not. Will they at least
play in Bedford? No. Martinsville? Nope. The
two teams will square off in Shelbyville at 6:00.
For those who have never made that drive, it
takes roughly 90 minutes to get to Shelbyville
from Bloomington. Teams from smaller schools
in the area will be going to such diverse locales
as Greencastle and Jeffersonville.

Imagine if the NBA were to market themselves in this same fashion. They would have the Portland Trail Blazers face the Minnesota Timberwolves in a best of seven game series and put the games in Boston. The games would start at 4:00 on weeknights so that everyone would still be at work. The follwing season the league would go all Mama Cass on us choke to death on its debt. Of course, this makes about as much sense Salma Hayek reading from the teleprompter at the Oscars, but that is the path that the IHSAA has decided to take.

Since the IHSAA undemocratically eliminated our state's defining tradition in 1997, tournament attendence has withered more than Jose Canseco's nu...I mean, it's withered more than offensive production in the Dade County Penal League. In 1997, attendence for the state tournament was roughly 770,000. Last year it was a paltry 440,000. High School baskeball has become a cell phone sport...all you get are friends and family.

Due to the declining attendance, the IHSAA has gone the George W. Bush route and squandered a $3 million surplus and is now operating under a deficit. Their financial condition is in such disrepair that they are now looking at charging schools dues to be a member of their abhorent organization.

So let me get this straight: you destroy the second most famous basketball tournament in the world when the overwhelming majority of citizens, players, and coaches told you that you were making a major mistake? You hire MC Hammer and Willie Nelson to do your accounting? And now you want to charge financially strapped Gary Roosevelt High School and Archdiocese supported schools money to bail you out?

Thanks for looking out for "fairness." I am sure that the single mom working overnights at a liquor store in Gary is ecstatic that her kids lunch subsidies are going to be cut. I am sure that parishoners across the state of Indiana are quite pleased that the change they put in the offering plate is heading your way instead of to missionaries in Guatamala or the eductation of underprivelaged children in their congregation.

IHSAA...you can run but you can't hide. You just pissed off God and a single mom in Gary. Now you will truly know what it's like for a 1A to face a 4A. Good luck.

Of course, declining attendance is not entirely the fault of the IHSAA. Cable televsion (more quality basketball available on television), the graduation of Damon Bailey, the growing dominance of teams from the Indianapolis area, a transient workforce, the rise of the Pacers, school consolidation, the state's great players opting to play for schools other than Indiana and Purdue, and the ever-increasing variety of entertainment options have all in various degrees contributed to the decline in attendance.

Even in 1997, high school basketball did not hold the same place that it once did in Indiana. I get it. But that in no way justifies the decision made by the IHSAA. The tournament was still a very special, unique, and well known fixture within the state. It helped define Hoosiers as a people unique to the rest of the country...

...Every bit as vital to us, as football is to western Pennsylvania...

...Every bit as authentic to our locale as chili is in Cincinnati....

...Basketball gyms in Indiana are as much a part of our landscape as vinyards are
to Napa....

In short, Hoosiers are known for playing basketball. Just like Floridians are known for left turn signals and shuffleboard.

In the same way that every man who lives in Maine can cook lobster, every man in
Indiana can tell you whether a team is applying a zone or man-to-man defense. We know it better. We do it better. And we loved it more. The IHSAA, though, couldn't care less.

Jazz is no longer the most popular form of music in America. I am sure if the IHSAA were running Kansas City or New Orleans they would have excise shut down the legendary Hey, Hey Club and sell the birthplace of Louis Armstrong to Starbucks.

The IHSAA will still contend that it gives those little schools a chance to be bathed in glory. What is more glorious? Delta reaching the state finals in 1997 or whomever winning the 2A state title in 2004? Would Park Tudor trade beating North Central in 1993 (F.Y.I., they cancelled school the next day to celebrate) to hypothetically knock off Oolitic in the 1A state championship? The IHSAA knows the answer. We all know the answer. Those underdog teams went on the record about their feelings on the matter.
They're from Indiana. When we get
in a fight, we don't ask the opponent
his weight class. I encourage the
sport's high minded governing body
to recall a movie made in 1986
(rated the greatest sports movie of
all time by ESPN) called Hoosiers to
see furthur evidence of this uniquely
Hoosier�strike that�uniquely
American ethic.

This much I do know...

Rick Mount went to Lebanon...Pat
Graham went to Floyd Central...Shawn
Kemp went to Concord...Marion won the state championship in '85, '86, and '87 ...Muncie Central has won 8 state championships (side note: When Marion won the 4A in '99, longtime Muncie Central play-by-play broadcaster Morrie Mannies famously told Marion's radio guy, "Congratulations...Marion now has 7.25 state titles")...Billy Keller and George McGinnis were on the same team at Washington...Oscar went to Attucks...Leary, Minor, and Montross won the state in 1989 for Lawrence North...and the Alan Henderson/Glenn Robinson match-up was shown on ESPN.

I work in sports. I cover basketball in the state of Indiana. I had to look up in the IU Media Guide that James Hardy went to Fort Wayne Elmhurst. I have no idea who won any one of the four state titles last year. And that's a damned shame.

Congratulations, IHSAA! You have made basketball in the state of Indiana as vanilla as Vermont ice cream.

Shove It Up Your Class

The IHSAA Tourney: The Party is Nonstop

"Let's win this for all the other 18 1-A schools who won't get the chance to be here for another coupls of years."