I am at an impasse. I am having a difficult time mustering up the anger necessary to wage literary battle with our adversary in the Super Bowl.
The Ravens were a team ripe for the trashing. They play in a city that has more involuntary drip than a three year old Eskimo’s nose. They’re named after the bird most preferred by Lucifer. Brian Billick is the Dick Cheney of coaches and Ray Lewis is the Rae Carruth,
OJ Simpson, post-2003 Cincinnati Bengals draft pick of Middle Linebackers. In other words, they’re easy to hate.
The Patriots were the incarnation of all that is evil. They join the following in the Hierarchy of What Is Wrong with This World: famine, HMO’s, H2’s, Rosie O’Donnell, "In Style" magazine, war, 50-grit TP, the "Black Eyed Peas," "Coldplay," and ice hockey. No problem punching a couple holes in the wall to get fired up for that one.
But the Bears are a different story. For those old enough to remember a time before the Colts arrived in Indianapolis , the Bears were the team of choice of most Indianapolitans. Walter Payton, Steve Fuller and Dan Hampton "droppin’ it like it’s hot" in the Super Bowl Shuffle, Soldier Field, Sayers, Butkus, and Ditka. Da’ Bears were easy to like.
Even today, it’s tough to hate a team coached by a guy named Lovie. Uhrlacher is a beast. Devin Hester is electric. They're tough to despise.
That’s why Colts fans need to channel their energy in a different direction. Where do the Bears play? Who do they represent? They represent Chicagoians, “region rats”, and every sports-lovin’ prick who condescended you if you went to a college within a 200 mile radius of their city.
You know the guy...the one in the dorm who would compare Sammy Sosa to Henry Aaron.
The same guy who would tell you that Jim McMahon would’ve been Joe Montana had he not gotten hurt. The same guy who believed Reggie Miller was a push-off artist and that Jordan ’s push-off against Byron Russell was clean. The same sausage-eater who would exclaim to you in earnest that Luc Longley would’ve shut down Kareem had the Bulls gone against the Lakers of the 80’s. The same people
who believe that Chicago is the sun and that Cincinnati , Indy,
St. Louis , Detroit , Milwaukee , Columbus, and Cleveland are
just the tiny planets that orbit the ball of fire that gives us life.
The same people who told us that Dewey beat Truman. The
same people who believe that a Vienna Beef Hot Dog is
better than a St. Elmo’s filet. The same people who willingly
drink Old Style for f----'s sake.
The same people when you ask them where they are from
tell you “Chicago. ” When you respond with “Oh, what part?”,
they tell you “Rockford.” Seriously, does anyone from
Anderson do this?
The same people who invented the high rise housing project
and O’Hare Airport tell us that they can’t understand why
anyone would want to live in Indianapolis . The same people
who tore down Old Comiskey Park to build New Comiskey
Park . If that’s progress, in 50 years, the White Sox will be
playing in an abandoned K-Mart.
The same goddamn people who consider the "Beatles" to be the poor man's "Wilco."
That guy in your fraternity or campus house would tell you that “shopping sucks in Indy,” but would willingly shop at an outdoor mall in Schaumburg in December. Do you know why Ferris took the day off? Because it was one of the six sunny days in Chicago that year, ass-munch.
The same guy would regularly bluster about the comparative awesomeness of his home town until a New Yorker took up the conversation.
The same guy who would tell you that “There is no team in Indy who could compete with Mt. Carmel my Junior year, dude.” As if there is some magic sports fluoride in the Chicago water system that no one else can comprehend.
We get it. Your buildings are tall. Ed Deboevic’s kicks ass. Adventures In Babysitting was filmed in Chicago . Cabrini Green was “really scary.” Mike Ditka is a genius. And Shawon Dunston will be Willie Mays next year.
But remember this…Bob Sanders doesn’t give a shit. Rex Grossman’s dad cancelled his Colts’ season tickets four years ago and that makes Bob angry.
And trust me, Chicago suburbanites from South Bend...you won’t like Bob when he’s angry. |
