... martial law will once again be installed in Downtown Indy at roughly 9:30 am Sunday morning? if our sources are correct, 100%. It's every man for himself. Kids and the un-armed are advised to stay home.
... you'll immediately recognize the Flipside tailgate, seeing as how we'll be the folks in loin cloths and scuba masks, catapulting vats of hot oil at New England-looking passerbys, all in front of a 28x35 foot banner reading "Wassup ... gametime"? 93%. Come say hi.
... the Pats' practices this week include various seal-clubbing exercises and a motivational speech from an imprisoned "Blackwater" unit commander? a conservative 75%
... the airspace over the greater Indianapolis area will be shut down two hours before and after the arrival of New England's charter plane? 0%. The Patriots don't fly on charter planes, idiot. They individually hang-glide in on the cinnamon-smelling air currents of Tom Brady's majesty.
... Belichick's evil presence in Indianapolis will cause the holy water in all downtown cathedrals to simultaneously boil over? an apocalyptic 66.6%
... every NFL fan outside of the greater New England area is rooting squarely for the Colts? 99.9939%. Vigo the Carpathian is the last holdout. He enjoys "Belichick's style." Or so he told Slate.com.
... Teddy Bruschi will be mistaken for Eric Estrada during a leisurely Saturday afternoon stroll on the banks of the Canal? 97%. Jesus Christ, Teddy ... it's not 1981. Put the f---ing hair dryer down.
... the Indianapolis community finds out where the Pats are staying and we pull fraternity pranks all night (with "fraternity pranks" meaning "'Escape From New York'-type terrorizing")? 0.071%. Although there are enough idiotic DJ's and medical-sales reps in this city to pull it off, the community can be very Mayberry when it comes to big-time felony attempts. It's both our charm and our curse.
... Gisele Bundchen enjoys the shopping at Circle Centre Mall? 24%. The word on the street is that she's mildly excited to see what the "Piercing Pagoda" and "Man Alive" have to offer.
... the first person to walk through the Dome doors carrying an oversized paper-machι video camera will get smited by God (read: evaporated into a pile of smoldering ashes) for the unholy sin of being the dumbest, tritest person on the planet? a hopeful 83%. We need You now, Almighty One. Protect us.
... Bob Sanders breaks both of Moss's arms and Stallworth's collarbone during an inadvertant pregame "Good Luck" mishap? only 17%. Bob would have to break out of his shackles, chew through the bars of his cage and make his way through the razor-wire all while staying in the area where his lo-jack collar wouldn't alert the platoon of SEAL gunmen assigned to guard-duty that trouble is afoot. Is it impossible? No. But he'll need some luck on his side.
... the noise during the Patriots' first offensive possession will cause seismic monitors in Utah's Zion National Park to sense danger? a Richter-licious 92%
... after the Patriots' first misstep of the game, the Colts P.R. department will blast "THE RUSSIAN IS CUT!!! THE RUSSIAN IS CUT!!!" over the loudspeakers? 0.00000073%. It's far too clever and motivating. Instead, there's a 98% chance that they'll play Bonnie Rait's "Something to Talk About" as 57,000 people simultaneously sit down and weep.
... a Colts fan will aspire to the heights of our uncultured brethren in Jacksonville by going for an all-out, full-screen foam-a-lingus stunt on national TV? 6%. If you want to thank anyone for this remarkably low percentage, thank the Flipside sniper team (codename: "Gat Keepers"). They will be the ones vigilantly protecting this city's dignity through well-positioned vantage points and high-powered pellet guns. Godspeed, men. And thank you.
... you people up in the last row of Section 336 will carry on the noble history of drunkeness and violence and public urination that has so eloquently defined that section since January 21, 2007? So help you God, you'd better.
... Freeney breaks Brady's femur, laughs, and then gnaws on it like a hyena? (That's inappropriate, really. We don't wish ill on any foe. We won't stoop to the lowly level of New Englanders.) 52%
... some yellow-jacketed fat guy has to talk Polian down from the rafters at the start of the 2nd quarter while enduring an obscenity-laced tirade about "the f----- cameras they hid up there"? an understandable 97.2%
... Marvin catches his second touchdown and gently hands the ball to the official? 98%
... Randy Moss catches a 4-yard slant and starts rubbing his balls on the pylon before "moonwalking" back to the huddle? 98%
... the Shrouded One will be able to videotape the Colts' signals? 0.0666%, based solely on the premise that the eyes of the Darkness of Evil cannot look directly into light, light which is sourced at the noble bastion of fair play and sportsmanship ... which, of course, is the Colts' sideline. So f--- you and your Shrouded Darkness, you dirty, cheating, bastards.
... Bob Sanders says "f--- it" sometime in the 3rd quarter as he abandons the gameplan and starts simply zipping around the field wreaking havoc like that little super-hero kid in "The Incredibles"? 98% (Assuming that the little kid was built like a mortar shell and enjoyed the taste of human flesh.)
... Ted Marchibroda wakes up with 11 seconds left in the 4th quarter screaming "AARON BAILEY CAUGHT THE BALL!! LET 'ER RIP!!!" "AARON BAILEY CAUGHT THE BALL!! LET 'ER RIP!!!" I SAID DON'T TOUCH ME!!! 4,903%. God bless Ted Marchibroda.
... following the game, Tony Dungy breaks character and goes all Bob-Probert on Belichick during the post-game handshake? an unfortunate 2%. There's nothing this country would like to see more than Dungy pulling the hoodie over Beelzebub's head and wailing away. It'd be great theater, frankly.
... following the game, Dungy goes all 1984-white-suburbia when he extends his hand to Belicheck, only to pull it away at the last second and say "PSYCH!" a more realistic 9%
... Indy area hotels and brothels will have to be fumigated once again after the horde of craven, shrouded animals who follow the Pats leave our fair city? A crab-tastic, may-the-fleas-of-a-thousand-camels- infest-their-armpits-and-bring-misery-upon-their-social-lives 91%
... come Sunday night, the area in and around the Circle will once again resemble Rio De Janiero after a Brazilian World Cup championship? if ESPN is correct, that would be negative-74,0357%.
... this country prays that ESPN is incorrect? a satisfying 100% |
