...your somewhat frightened wife/girlfriend/female-signficant-other told you as you're loading
up your rifle after the game that "it's only football," thus forcing you to quietly wish that she had a pair of balls—if only briefly—so that you could kick her in the balls and then she wouldn't be so condescending because she could empathize with your ball-rupturing pain? — 99.8%
...Flipside's next Colts-related shirt—due out next week, by the way—will include, in some combination, the phrases "BALL-RUPTURING PAIN" and "APLENTY"? — 128%
...we just wasted 20 weeks of our lives? — 93%
...Speedway Williams retreats to his secluded Vanderburgh County shack for a few weeks of rest, relaxation, and letter-bomb assembly? — 100%
...Indianapolis would take another shot to the psychological groin—to go along with the closing of "Thunder Island Water Park," the unveiling of "That's So Raygan," and the continued employment of Stacy Paetz—after we've endured so very, very much? — 0.0058%
...knowing what we know now, those greasy, gun-wielding, half-human/half-monster things that invaded Chet and Wyatt's party in Weird Science were Steelers fans? — a confident 86%
...any right-minded person could have predicted that the Colts would show up for their most meaningful game ever and play with the intensity, the intelligence, and the athletic prowess of
a pack of stroke victims? — 48%
...the mere thought of watching the Denver/Pittsburgh game next week kind of—not all the way, but kind of—triggers your gag reflex? — 82%
...just like the other previous 18 coordinators who have soundly defeated the Colts
in meaningful games, Dick LaBeau is deemed a "mastermind" and becomes the odds-on favorite for every NFL and big-time collegiate coaching vacancy? — 91%
...a profoundly retarded kid playing "Madden '06" would start utilizing screens and quick slants
if faced with a defense that was continuously blitzing nine players? — 98%
...the same profoundly retarded kid could elude a Ben Roethlisberger open-field tackle if ever
given the chance — 84%
...the producers of ESPN's trainwreck-of-a-series "Playmakers" once turned down a story line that included a key defensive player getting stabbed by his wife the night before a playoff game because, as they put it, "we have to keep the show at least halfway in reality...let's just keep what we've got: the starting linebacker kills a stripper before the game and the star running back goes back to the locker room to smoke heroin during a TV timeout"? — 84%
...the "Cover 2" defensive scheme is the "Loyala Marymount" offense of the football world (i.e., a trendy coaching fad that is fun to watch, fun to play, and will never win a championship for anyone using it)? — 87%
...somebody within the Colts organization actually killed Tom Moore last Tuesday, but in an intricate, well-planned, Weekend at Bernie's-esque ruse, had him somehow propped up on the sidelines, appearing as if he were actually alive? — 59%
...Mike Vanderjagt gets into the Colts' "Ring of Fame" (thereby putting him forever along side of Ted Marchibroda, Chris Hinton, and that dreadlocked homeless guy who used to park cars outside of the Dome)? — 85%
...there's actually a reason why no team in the history of the NFL has ever let their quarterback call every play while at the line of scrimmage? — 99%
...Troy Polamolu—just like Stacy Paetz, Heather Williams, and Islamic militants—has God firmly on his side, as evidenced through one of his 17,500 in-game prayers? — 50%
...Indy sports fans take comfort in the fact that whatever championship hopes we have for the year are now pinned directly on Stephen Jackson and Sean Kline, respectively? — - 48,032% |
