Before he ruined The Perfect Season, I had never heard of Michael Turner. But if someone would have asked me last week to come up with the most generic and most prototypical name for a fictitious running back, I’m 93% sure that I would have come up with the name “Michael Turner.” Or possibly "Shawn Morris."
When did the Colts' offensive line become weaker than the religious convictions
of Katie Holmes? I mean, I'm no football genius…but when your line has trouble blocking a kid named "Igor" and a defensive end from Northwestern who uses an inhaler, you have problems. Big, Corey-Simon’s-ass-sized problems.
That Nokia commerical—the one played every eight minutes during NFL games where the overly bitter, middle-aged, man-hating,
cat-loving woman talks about the joy of deleting her ex-boyfriend's name from her phone—that commercial has caused irreparable harm to the women's movement. Whoever wrote that ad (Archie Bunker? Brian Fantana?) took every conceivable "unmarried-female" stereotype and rolled it into one downright hilarious commercial. And it works
well during football games (though probably not-so-well during figure-skating competitions or "Ali McBeal" reruns).
Shawne Merriman might be the best football player in the history of mankind.
Who coined the phrase "Naked Bootleg," and why does it bother me so much? The only thing worse than hearing the phrase is seeing Peyton run it and then
break into his impersonation of a folded-up Hunchback as he's driven into the turf. Going forward, let's leave the naked bootleg to Gillian Barberie. Or possibly
Corey Simon. (Grow up...there's nothing gay about that. People pay
good money to see the "Elephant Man's" remains.
My request to see Simon's naked ass is along those
same lines. I swear. It's driven by sheer curiosity and
wonder and amazement. I'll just shut up now.)
The people at the Dome holding up a big "D" with a cutout
cardboard fence must be eliminated. I don’t care how it’s done.
I don’t care who does it. It just needs to happen. Now.
Okay, this is a little thing. But is it Dominic (as in Dominique
Wilkins) or Dominic (as in Dominick from Goodfellas)? I hear it
pronounced differently every week, and I just want to get it right
when I yell "Hang on to the f---ing football, Dominic!"
Pretty quiet day from Boba Sanders. (With "pretty quiet day"
meaning "no ball carriers got seperated from their spines," as I
had promised my son.) Junior was so distraught over this that he peed on me.
Dallas Clark's TD celebration…I don’t know what to think about it. I’ve never seen
such a simple-yet-forceful spike of the football (you know...at least not since 1958). Is this a good thing? A bad thing? Like I said, I don’t know. But
I do know this: it was the absolute epitome of a Caucasian thing. Really—and
I say this in all honesty—the only way that his celebration could have been any whiter was if it somehow included an air guitar or estate-planning documents.
Vanderjagt may be the world's biggest ass (as opposed to Corey Simon, who has
the world's biggest ass—alright, this time I mean it...I'm done), but I feel that he would've made a great Top Gun character. ("Maverick, I'd like you to meet your new wingman...Uber-toe. He's sassy, so watch out!") That means something in my book. And it should mean something in your book too.
Drew Brees strategically applying his eye-black about six inches below where it’s supposed to go isn’t fooling anyone. (It's sadly reminiscent of that commercial where the guy uses Snickers bars as a toupee, but to no avail.) Drew, we know about your bizarre face-stache. We’re fine with it. Really. We wouldn’t ever want
to touch it, but we’re fine with it. We’ve accepted it. When will you?
Who dies first in a 40 yard-dash? Howard Mudd, Wade Phillips, Dan Dierdorff or Bob Lamey? Could somebody explain to these gravy-guzzlers that you don't have to weigh as much as an O-lineman to coach them or talk about them?
Listen...I love "Trick Daddy" as much as the next guy. Probably more. I just
don't need to hear him every 18 seconds during Colts games. Really. And
although I'm risking a cerebral hemorrhage for even saying this...I kind of miss
Todd Rundgren. (Go ahead and Google that if you're confused. It'll come to you.)
When Troy Walters was getting ready to not-return a punt, CBS flashed his 2005 statistics. Apparently, Walters is averaging 6.4 yards per punt-return. I was shocked. Still am. That’s about 6.4 yards more than I would have guessed.
(On a related side note, Handsome Pete calls Walters “The Hamper.” Worth mentioning, I feel.)
Marchibroda is as gentle and loveable as a touchdown monkey...but there
are reasons that they don't let Civil War veterans call live radio. (1) Listeners expect the broadcasters to be no more than four plays behind; and, (2) He
twice referred to Manning as "Sammy Baugh." That said, if it's confused-and-stammering you're after, there's nobody I'd rather
listen to than Teddy. |
