How to Pick Up Chicks (and Win Road Games)

I'm a guy who knows or thing or two about making the magic happen with the ladies. Well, that's not entirely true. I may have had some struggles from time to time, but I've done my damage. (Okay, so I married the first girl I ever had sex with and my memoirs will be titled "Couldn't Get Laid in a Morgue." Big deal.)

You see, I've always been the guy who could get a few laughs, pull some crazy moves on the dance floor and generally crack the door open. Unfortunately, I couldn't ever stretch a double into a triple, as they say. (Crossing the plate?? Forget it). It was this inability to finish the deal that makes me feel like I'm looking in the mirror every time IU has played a tough game this year.

Sure, IU's landed a few victories so far. Indiana State, Chicago State and a few other "States" have fallen victim. But these are only the "fat chicks" that we hardly feel compelled to brag about. The real pieces of ass (Duke and Kentucky) ended up giving us fake phone numbers. Even Butler (the shy
librarian who hides her good looks)
refused to get a bite to eat with us. As a
collective fan base, IU nation has a bad
case of the blue balls (NOTE: for most
readers of this site, this is not just an
analogy but a medical condition that
requires immediate attention).

But I'm here today to tell you that there is
hope—not only for the losers out there like
me (and you're out there), but also for our
beloved Hoosiers. Simply adhering to a
few core principles will make your wildest
dreams come true. (This may be IU getting
to the Final Four...or possibly a threesome.
Or a threesome while IU plays in the Final
Four. Whatever.) Sadly, I've only learned
these lessons after getting married and
entering the meat market fray with a
detached view. But while it's too late for
me, it's not too late for Roderick Wilmont
and AJ Ratliff. I'm nothing if not a team player, so here we go...

_____________________________________________________________________

Preach the Fundamentals
Time and again, I see guys going to desperate lengths trying to convince a female into making some bad decisions. Yes, I'm referring to the gimmicks—the pickup line, trying to get her really drunk, pretending not to have a ride home, roofies...etc. This is a high-risk/high-reward approach that too often is adopted by guys with no game. I call this approach the "Relying on the Three-Pointer Method." It can only succeed where an extraordinary level of talent is in place, and this is a rarity in today's game (both at the bar and in Division I).

While there may be the occasional flash of brilliance using the gimmick approach, a higher level of consistency in attractive companionship can be attained by keeping it simple and playing to your strengths. This may be your sense of humor, your intelligence, your ability to be a good listener, or your stifling on-the-ball defense and 6-9 power power forward who can get his shot any time. Whatever the case may be, you need to understand what attributes make you appealing to the opposite sex, and put them on display. What I'm saying is this: if you're trying to seal the deal with a seemingly willing female, you can't pull a "Lance Stemler leaning 22-footer" right before you ask her to come back to your place. Instead, look to pass the ball to your own personal "DJ White" and in an hour or so, she may just "feed the big guy" herself.

Don't Play Tight
There wasn't a single potential situation you could have put me into in my single days that I couldn't royally f--- up. Looking back, it's easy to see now that I was just nervous. I didn't trust my abilities at all so when it was game time, I froze up like a deer in the headlights. AJ Ratliff and Roderick Wilmont may recall this feeling during the Duke game. They saw the Cameron Crazies (we'll call them "big tits") and they couldn't function properly. Instead of looking her in the eyes (read:
"going to the basket"), their eyes were on
her chest all night. The resulting slap in
the face at the end of the night is still
ringing in our ears.

The Hoosiers—and you—just need to
slow down and relax. Playing in Rupp
Arena? Have fun with it! There's no
reason not to approach the hot blonde in
the corner and lay it all on the line.
Simply standing with a pack of guys and
waiting for the ladies to approach you
(we'll call this the "Standing on the
Perimeter Method") won't cut it. Stepping
up to stroke the J with confidence may
just mean it's the only thing you'll have to
stroke that night. Keep squaring up to
the basket enough times and you WILL
put it in the hole. (In case you're
scoring at home...that's two double
entendres, back-to-back.)

_____________________________________________________________________

I hope I've been able to help you come to terms with the voracious womanizer that lives inside of you. I also hope I've given this Hoosier team the tips it needs to go into Storrs, Connecticut and pull out a big victory. Just remember that with solid fundamentals and a strong sense of self-confidence, any woman can be yours (and any road win becomes possible).

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go masturbate to amateur fetish porn.

Thank you, and good night.

Thursday, December, 14, 2006

How to Pick Up Chicks (and Win Road Games)

Here, we see game footage of Indiana State and Chicago State getting naughty.

You want the Duke's and Kentucky's? Fine. It can be done. Just stick with the fundamentals, stay loose, and keep your inner Ben Allen hidden away at all times.