Famous "I'd Be Shocked..." Quotes

In the "Hierarchy of I'd Be Shocked... Statements," Davis' whopper lands in the most extreme level. To be here amongst the big boys, the quote must be so irrational—so unsupported by common sense and logic—that it leaves the listener completely dumbfounded. This level here, gentlemen, is the cream of the crop. The best. It's the Top Gun Level.

Maybe Davis doesn't get fired. But if he does, it couldn't possibly come as a shock to anyone. Under any circumstances. (Hence the reason why the "I'd-be-shocked-if-they-fired-me" line has graduated #1 in its Top Gun class, which has earned it the right to come back as an instructor and mentor other lines in the art of absurdity.)

Here's how this is going to work: we've filled in a few of the quotes, but not nearly all of them. This is an incredibly vast list, and we're going to need help. Every hour or so, we'll be updating the list, plugging in suggestions from both the Flipside staff and Flipside audience. If you have any suggestions, email them in. They'll be posted throughout the day.

With God's help and a little luck, maybe—just maybe—we'll have the list completed by tonight. Godspeed, folks. Godspeed.

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“I’d be shocked if my new sitcom wasn’t a raging success.”
—John Stamos, 2005

“I’d be shocked if the NBA signed a merchandising deal with Reebok instead of FUBU.”
—Scoop Jackson, 2005

“I’d be shocked if IU doesn’t put a guy on Vincent Grier’s left hand and dare him to go right.”
—Minnesota Gophers Head Coach, Dan Monson, prior to their Big Ten Tourney matchup with IU

"I'd be shocked if some publication ever analogized Flipside to smoking low-quality marijuana via
an inferior method."
—Handsome Pete, 2003

"I'd be shocked if I grew up to be gay."
—That little gay kid from "Who's the Boss?", 1985

"I'd be shocked if 'Sik Wit It' isn't an NBA all-star by next year."
—Isiah Thomas, 2002

“I’d be shocked if Ron Artest ever mentally snapped during a game and climbed into the stands to
start collecting spines.”
—David Stern, August 2004

“I’d be shocked if humans ever thought that I might one day give a flying f--- about sporting events.”
—God, 837 A.D.

“I’d be shocked if I ended up being a one-and-done recording artist.”
—Skee-Lo, 1995

“I’d be shocked if IU doesn’t come out of the gate pressing us full-court.”
—Vanderbilt Coach Kevin Stallings, moments prior to their first-round NIT game with IU

“I’d be shocked if Milton ever retaliated against us for taking his stapler. You know...because he's so stupid.”
—Bill Lumbergh, 1999

“I’d be shocked if the NBA stuck with Gatorade as its official drink instead of going with Crunk Juice.”
—Scoop Jackson, 2005

"I'd be shocked if anyone tried to attack our soil."
—Franklin Delano Roosevelt, December 1, 1941

"I'd be shocked if I don't get my year-end bonus."
—Clark W. Griwold, December 21, 1989

"I'd be shocked if Soul Plane doesn't get me an Oscar, cuz."
—Method Man, 2004

"I'd be shocked if anyone found me in this sweet hole in the ground."
—Saddam Hussein, 2003

"I'd be shocked if Barry Bonds' 14½ fitted hat size is a product of unnatural substances."
—Shrek, 2004

"I'd be shocked if 'Slamball' doesn't become the highest-rated sport on TV."
—Val Ackerman, WNBA Commissioner, 2002

"I'd be shocked if I got to meet Mark Patrick and he wasn't the most charming and considerate man alive."
—Helen Keller, 1983

"I'd be shocked if one of those little crackers hits a game-winner on me."
—Boyle (#15), before the final possession of the 1952 Indiana High School State Finals

"I'd be shocked if we're not like at least the #1 seed in the Midwest bracket thing, shhhooooo."
—Mike Davis, 5:54 pm on "Selection Sunday" 2005

"I'd be shocked if Tom Brady were straight. Seriously. I've heard things."
—Every nervous husband to his ogling-at-Brady-wife, at one time or another

"I'd be shocked if I develop a drug problem and a stagnant career in adolescence."
—Macauley Culkin, 1991

"I'd be shocked if the dad who showed up wearing a gold chain and driving a Corvette with tinted windows
yells at his kid for striking out."
—Anonymous Haverford Little League Team Mother, 1997

"I'd be shocked if Bobby neglects to take a 'time out' when he's angry with me."
—Whitney Houston, 1996

"I'd be shocked if I end up rooming with Matt Stegenga and Chris Kingsbury while playing for the CBA's
Quad City Thunder."
—Bracey Wright, 2005

"I'd be shocked if the American public fails to connect with a boarding-school-educated, windsurfing,
multi-millionare from Massachussetts."
—John Kerry, 2003

"I'd be shocked if I get food poisoning and have quarts of 'Yoo-hoo!' shooting from my ass after diving into
the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ponderosa."
—Devon Durrant, 2003

"I'd be shocked if help isn't on the way."
—Mike Davis, March 2000; April 2001; April 2003; November 2004; December 2004; January 2005; and March 2005

"I'd be shocked if cutting taxes while waging a war doesn't lower the budget deficit."
—George Bush, 2001

"I'd be shocked if anyone finds any inconsistencies in my theory that deuterium atoms are close enough
together to induce fusion at ordinary temperatures."
—Ron Artest, speaking last week at Harvard's annual "Nuclear Fusion Seminar"

"I'd be shocked if the 'Wake Me Up Before You Go Go!' video raises suspicions about our sexuality."
—Andrew Ridgley to his "Wham!" cohort, George Michael, 1984

"I'd be shocked if that kind-of-retarded white guy don't win the Slam Dunk Contest."
—Mike Davis, at the 2005 NBA All-Star Weekend festivities, referring to Chris Anderson

"I'd be shocked if that angry little German guy doesn't hold up his end of the bargain."
—British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, 1938

"I'd be shocked if every top prospect that the franchise drafts for the next 90 years does one of the following:
(1) under-performs; (2) gets injured, or (3) blossoms after being traded to the Cardinals."
—The Wrigley family, upon purchasing the Cubs, 1903

"I'd be shocked if I got fired."
—Isiah Thomas, moments before his July 2003 yearly review with GM Larry Bird

"I'd be shocked if my boo gains her weight back."
—Steadman Graham, 1989; 1991; 1994; 1997; 2001; and 2004

"I'd be shocked if Animal Planet's 'When Pit Bulls Attack Nursing Homes' beats my show in the ratings."
—John McEnroe, 2004

"I'd be shocked to find that sex becomes a privelage instead of a right after getting married."
—Devon Durrant, October 22, 2004

"I'd be f---ing shocked if I found out that anyone was becoming bored with this format."
—Speedway Williams, March 17, 10:46 pm

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That's about enough. You get the idea. Thanks to everyone who submitted a quote.

"I'd be shocked if they fired me."

Mike Davis, as quoted by ESPN2 play-by-play
man Dave Barnett during the IU/Vanderbilt telecast (March 16, 2005).

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"I'd be shocked if they fired me."

March 17, 2005