Flipside Forum | The Pat Burke Vault

March 13, 2006

One of 2 options. Maybe this person is figuratively speaking, merely stating the fact that there is a little bit of Pat in all of us. In this case, I am Pat Burke. Or maybe this person is just some rabid Pat Burke fan who, in some Freudian way, has actually taken on the persona of Pat as a defense mechanism in order to compensate for his little-boy-who-took-one-too-many-whiskeyed-up-daddy-beatings complex .

Only one way to tell if this is the real Pat Burke:

Ask him where we ate after the Vandy/Auburn game at Auburn with him.

Yes, we did really eat dinner with Mr. All-day from Galway, the Rumblin from Dublin,
Sir Swatsalot of Burkinshire, etc...

Erin Go Bragh,

David L.

Fine...we'll throw it in there. We already have 183 questions lined up to ask him regarding, among other things: Steve Nash's genitalia; what it's like sharing a court with
Ron Artest; and the Mount Dora, FL area (where he claims he lives, and where we just got back from). But one more question couldn't hurt. Could it? F--- it. We'll ask him.
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We went to get pizza and they gave me a white hat with their schools name on it.

P Burke

David? Is this correct? Pizza and a white hat? Mmmm? Mmm? Anyone? Anyone?
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WTF?!?!? Either this is another PBFC member having some fun, or it is really Pat! Oh, how Irish eyes are smiling this great day!!! This guy is correct. We went to Mr. Gatti’s. Joyous and wonderous morn! Either way the Pat Burke Fan Club has now OFFICIALLY reunited.

A joint venture into the world of Burkedom is a must. We must introduce the world to the joy that is the Swingin’ Sheleleigh, Rock-Jock Shamrock, etc.

Flipside, you have helped me to open a vital piece of this country’s history that has lay dormant for too long, and for this I and the rest of the PBFC are eternally grateful.   We are definitely a go on unification of the Allied Powers of Patness. This weekend, we will put some time in on the site to get it finished. Then we can go from there however you guys see fit.

Burke Salute, out.

David L., responding to a forward of Pat Burke's email wherein he answered all 184 of our questions correctly, thus verifying his true identity

[kneeling, crossing ourselves, thanking Jesus Our Savior for this bounty of NBA stories
we're about to receive]
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I hope that we cleared up the validity of my being. I enjoyed the test though. That is the first time I have ever had to prove who I was outside of the basketball court.

I enjoyed your ideas in the past email. I also enjoy reading your website on occassion.
I am 32, and fall into the same demographic of readers/sports fans who are tired of the same old sports reports. You guys have something here! That's why it's booming!

I think the honesty you have approached it with is inviting too. You guys state off the bat
that   "...we're not terribly creative, nor very smart. But for whatever reasons, people just seem to like whatever it is that we're doing. So be it." I love it! This lets the readers know that they can write about anything and post it up.

I have to say though, that writing in at this time would not be so good for me.   The Suns players were not too impressed with Paul Shirley's blurbs. Look at his participation on the Suns this year...I am in the same role as he was last year. The idea of following in his footsteps into story telling????? Not such a good idea!

I enjoy your website on this end right now. I totally appreciate the offer, and for what
it's worth I had to think about the offer for a while.

Thanks,

Pat Burke

[urinating on the computer screen, cursing the supposed "Lord Almighty" for taking away the ONE thing that could have made Flipside readable] Lousy deity.
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Are you guys alive? What the hell? Throw us a f*#%ing bone. An article a week doesn't sound too hard. (Should I be getting this mad? Probably not.)

Jason R.

Go f--- yourself. Now's not the time, "Jason." Now's not the time.
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Oh, I've seen this before. You guys are headed right toward your 18th retirement, aren't you? Weeks of inactivity followed up with a "final" swan song. See you next fall. Once again, you'll be missed.

L. Reilly

Go ahead and turn in your Super Secret Flippie ID badge, Mr. Reilly. You're dismissed, soldier. You picked the wrong tone at the wrong time.
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Can you put my name in the forum with a picture of Ricky Martin....people say I look like him .

Thanks ,

RM

(D. Boncosky)

You've sent 18 pictures of yourself into the Forum over the years. We know what you look like, Mr. Boncosky. It's nothing like Ricky Martin. Quit asking us to do that. F---.
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Hey Flipside,

This whole Lucas Oil deal for the new stadium is a little troubling. With marquees, 3-D displays, tasteful mezzanine levels; I'm wondering if the city and the Colts were outmatched at the negotiating table by a guy in a really nice camper that offered them gigs in Stuebenville. What's next for Indy? Will the city see an influx of Coed Naked (Insert obscure sport for the unathletic) tee-shirt clad, slack jaws from Loogootee, Westfield, and Deer Lick? This is the type of creepy Bob Saget feels when Dave Coulier can't understand that it's not cool to live in the alcove anymore.

The only feasible way to rectify this situation is to have Magnus Pelkowski, Richard Moll, and Clarence Verdin MC the ribbon cutting for the stadium. The city, no the country, needs you guys to carry the flag on this one.

Anyway, here's to hoping that Lukash Dairy can swoop in at the last minute and steal the naming rights.

AC

In previous times, this might have been an Email-of-the-Year candiate. It's got it all...it's the rarely seen five-tool email. But ever since Pat Burke and/or God decided to f--- us over, we don't really care anymore. So be it.
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Why isn't my name up there yet with a picture of Ricky yet? Your customer service sucks. My Flipside hat already has sweat stains on it and I stopped exercising 8 years ago. You guys suck.

D. Boncosky

That's it. Jesus Christ. You've left us no choice in the matter...

Ricky Martin? We think not. (You know...not unless you're taling about Ricky-Martin-
the-internet-predator-from-Bedford. Is that who you're talking about, Mr. Boncoski?)
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You know, I've been hearing all of this news about the NFL's labor situation and the collapse of their CBA and I'm thinking that Paul Tagliabue needs to get Zeke on the horn. I mean, who else has such hands-on experience with destroying the CBA? In other Zeke-speak, ESPN.com had a question about whether fans would least rather have: Zeke or Matt Millen. Other than Michigan, a state populated by carbon-monoxide-poisoned morons of the Tayshaun Prince ilk (ilk, what a great word; "ilk, it does a forum post good), most of the country thought Zeke was the bigger idiot.
Lastly, I'm writing a script for a movie that I think is going to be the next ESPN film production. It's called Brokeback Palace of Auburn Hills and will tell the story of Zeke and Magic Johnson.

Evan

This concludes all Brokeback Mountain jokes. Seriously. These references have rocketed past "normal trite." They're up in that rarified, capillary-bursting "DJ Gallo trite" stratoshpere. We know exactly how to quit them. So we are. And so shall you.
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Just like Black Bear, I spent the '96 Olympics in Macon, ga in an unfinished condo sleeping on solid floor without a pillow or blanket. Sleeping on your coat as support does wonders on your neck and back. Thank god i was 26, loaded beyond all belief and full from 4am Waffle House "Diced, Smothered and Covered" hash browns for straight 4 nights. and thank god the plumbing worked.

Jayson Parker

Thanks for not incorporating 27   ellipses in your email, Champ. Much love.
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Hello,

I have just started reading your site and think its pretty funny - good local references and cracks on Purdue. Anyway, you probably have received a ton of emails trying to add to your open gym list so if you don't post this maybe it will be good for a laugh.

Thanks for operating the site.

Here is a guy I have come across a few times:

The Ex-Soccer Player.

This is probably a subcategory of running shoes. This guy shows up with a backwards baseball hat on and a pair of umbros. Because he was a soccer player he thinks he just has to run around like "the crazy asian" (description to be in later emails) and drive the ball but this guy has the ball handling of Shawn Bradley. He has had some success at the SRSC on nights when there was a lack of participation and shows up overly confident at the HPER. Quickly, he embarasses the guy who brought him and both feel a sense of shame similar to two guys who sneak into better seats during a sporting event only to have the true ticket holders show up. Another symptom of this guy is he
acts like he has been practicing with the 4 guys on his pick up team all season, making him prone to holding up numbers as if he is running a play on offense. Don't worry though, next time you ask this guy to come play when you are short on people he will manufacture a non-specific back injury from "going really hard" on bench the week before that he forgot to mention before he played with you, thus resulting is his many turnovers.

Igor

[cue soundtrack of a distant cough being heard in a large, otherwise silent auditorium]
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Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Raygan Swan's column used to be "That's So Raygan"? Man, the Star is really gripping if their creative talent is getting cease and desists from Raven Symone. I hope this didn't come off bitter, but I have mixed feelings about Ms. Symone. Her character did mean less time for Sondra and Elvin on the Cosby Show (a positive), but she took some promising story lines from Rudy and Bud.

By the way, you can go ahead and end the email of the year competition now. Nothing will ever top David L. Never.

Keep up the good work and stay off the ice, brah.

The Bird

Even the genius of The Bird can't pull us out of our God-hating, Pat-Burke-induced funk. And you know what? That says something. That says a lot.
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SUBJECT: Raygan Swan

I think she's actually a life size version of that talking Barbie from "The Simpsons" that got pulled off the shelves for saying "Math is hard."

Rob H.

Comparing Raygan Swan to "Malibu Stacy?" That's the light at the end of the cave (like in those anti-depression-medication commericals starring those crudely animated blob people). We're feeling better. You know...back on the trolly. You've done Flipside a great service, Rob. A great service indeed. Now, as Malibu Raygan will most assuredly say soon: "Let's go make cookies for the boys!"

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February 21, 2006

February 16th is now a national holiday in our state. "Mike Davis Resignation Day" joins the ranks of Christmas and the Fourth of July. Hooray!!!!   We must celebrate this glorious day. Let the joyous news be spread, the wicked old witch at last is dead.

DING, DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD!!!!

Handsome Pete, in an office-wide email

And so we shall, Handsome. So we shall. We thank you very sweetly.
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Last year, I forwarded you the bad news that it wasn't true. Maybe this article will actually be true and the real Hoosier fans can finally move forward with a true coach...any coach...or just some guy, who can...COACH!

Adam Endwright, immediately after the Penn State game (sending the "Bloomington Herald-Times" article that broke the Davis resignation)

Last year, we put a hit out on you. Sorry. Misdirected rage and whatnot. This year? You're our own little Woodward-and-Bernstein. Well played. Well played indeed.
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Regarding Davis, it's not immediate, but I'll take it. That clinking sound you hear is the ice in my high ball glass from the celabratory toast. I was just a few hours away from putting half a hedge apple, an opposum tail, the blood of a newborn male calf and a lock of hair from a Purdue virgin in a box; then burying it under a cottonwood tree on a bend in the White River to hasten the departure of the only coach in IU history to start his career with 3 straight 20 win seasons.

I wonder what numb nut, no experience, slug they'll hire to "Unite Indiana Basketball."

Rob H.

The THC-levels of your emails are nothing short of Biblical. The Forum does not judge, however. The Forum respects. The Forum giggles right along with you.
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LOVE the new audio segments....it's fresh it's hip and I don't have to read as much and stuff.....

/s/ "Palmila the love monkey"

D. Boncosky

The best part is that we don't overdo it at all. We know when to say "when" with regards to excessive audio clips. That's a Flipside hallmark.
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Alford? Majerus? Few? Are you guys planning on ringing in on the issue?

GJM

Not really.
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Davis acts like he's doing IU a favor, but isn't he set to fleece this state out of like $800,000? Are we supposed to be impressed with this? I'm not.

Chris N.

Now we ain't sayin' he's a gold-digger...but, you know, he ain't messin' with no way can we finish this sentence. That line shan't be crossed. No, sir.
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During the days of Robert M. and the legal battle over improper handling of his dismissal (i.e. termination, which in most contexts confirms death of something previously living [no need to overstate the obvious of what was previously living and is now in need of resuscitation]), I pulled out the court transcripts to hear what Davis had to say. The below was my summary of what I read with all personal comments and opinions reserved until the very end, (you know, goin' all Joe Friday on it, because this was composed on Friday 1/4/2002). I've been waiting 4 years for this day. I started humming halleluiah on the way back from the can, then went to check flipside, and I can tell you that I would not have been able to distinguish the warmth and peace that I felt from the audio, than if I had wet myself in an artic blizzard.

Rudiger, NYC

After almost no deliberation, we decided not to include Rudiger's excerpts from Davis' deposition. For one, it's like 48 pages long, with each new page increasing the odds that Davis is actually some kind of medical enigma in that he can walk and talk despite being a coma patient. But more importantly, if nothing else, Flipside is an escape from deposition testimony...not a platform for it. If we wanted to feel like we were at work, we'd just crawl under our respective desks, take a Costanza-like nap, and pocket our paltry $7.29 hourly wage. (Or, you know..."work" on the Penske file.)
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i would love the cleaning woman clip i miss it they should still run it to start games

Scott W.

you got it we love Martha too wheres todd jadlow we wonder have to go now take care
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SUBJECT: I'm pretty sure that this in poor taste...

That Speedway Williams has a bomb-making hobby. But, if I am wrong, can I suggest that one of your other writers take the nickname "Buckshot" and develop a serious dislike for mortgage brokers?

Mike Turner

Dick Cheney shooting people in the face...Speedway Williams killing Steelers fans...the nickname "Buckshot." Obviously, the Forum just officially became funniest part of the whole site. Right here. Right now. It doesn't get any better than that.
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Can you please incorporate more references to Dog the Bounty Hunter on your site? The similarities between Johnson County, New Palestine, anywhere on the East side, and the Hawaiian slums that Dog hunts are endless. South and Eastsiders could really use Dog's universally applicable advice: "You got a family, brah. You need to get off ice, brah." Also, Leland looks like he came straight from Beech Grove High School. I think
there are a lot of possibilities here. Just my opinion.

The Bird

The Bird rings in like once every leap-year-day. But The Bird brings the noise. And we can all learn from him. The lesson here? Punking (Big) Johnson County, New Pal, and/or Beech Grove carries great weight in The Forum. It carries great weight in life. Understand this, and you shall prosper.
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Roy,

I take back everything deregatory I've ever said about IU hoops. I didn't know I was dealing with cold blooded assasins. COLD BLOODED ASSASINS. Please spare my soul. PLEASE.

DG

Negative, DG. Too little, too late.
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Our entire office got in trouble for playing the Mike Davis dream resignation at high decibles for 3 and a half hours straight. I swear it never gets old. You'd think it would but it doesn't. I don't think any of us will ever look at Jesus Christ again without thinking 'YOU'RE cool!' and laughing out loud. Were probably going to get fired but it was worth it. Thank you gentlemen. I'm out.

Steven C.

You must trust us on this: the three-and-a-half-hours thing is NOT a testament to the brilliance of the piece. It's just not. It's a testament to your s--- ass job. You merely found something to do for three-and-half hours that didn't involve putting the proverbial cover-sheets on TPS reports. We know this phenomenon all too well, friend.
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The allies won World War II...The fall of the Berlin Wall...Landing on the moon...The advancement of medicine...Internet Porn...sliced bread...all of these things have great magnitude and are an attribute to the advancment of society...but, not one of these, or for that matter, all of these things combined can even compare to the resignation of Mike Davis...

J. Parker

You got a family, brah. You need to get off the ellipsis, brah. For real.

(Seriously, Mr. Parker...this ends here. We're digging what you're saying—strong historical and porn references, intelligent points...good stuff all around—but throw in a f---ing comma once in awhile. Or a semi-colon. Something. Anything. Please. For us. For your family. For yourself. Sweet Jesus, man. Just think about what you're doing.)

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January 28, 2006

Worst loss in Indianapolis sports history. Can't wait to see the Roundtable questions. Why do I continually buy into Indy sports teams? It shouldn't surprise any of us at this point. At least we've got MLK Day to relax...

Sincerely,
Lonestar

Flipside rookie Larry Phelps, in an inner office email, showing his enthusiasm for Roundtables, civil-rights-related holidays, and the pseudonym "Lonestar"

With a signoff like "Sincerely, Lonestar"...well, to be honest, you don't need much else. Keep making plays, young fella. Keep making plays.
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I cannot believe that someone has this clip! I grew up watching IU basketball and that clip is ingrained in me so deeply, I hum it to myself as an IU broadcast is starting! Please send me the clip to this email address!!

Thank you in advance for being so f’ing cool!!

Mike S.

...4,497... (And you're f'ing welcome.)
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If the Texans indeed spend their #1 draft pick on Reggie Bush, they'll immediately become a formidable conference foe for the Colts.   The thought of having to defend The President scares me almost as much as watching Grace Jones gyrate rhythmically against a statue like she did in the movie Vamp. How she ever became known as a sex symbol is beyond me; I suppose it's a testament to the experimental attitude of the 80's, coupled with several kilos of coke. But I digress. Will Bush prove to be the slasher in the OJ mold, the type of running back who can single-handedly cut a defense's throat, or will he just end up like Ickey Woods, driving a meat delivery truck it Fort Wayne?

Evan Altman

The restraining order here says that we're not allowed to talk to you.
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I just wanted to make sure that even as every native Indianian wallows in the darkness of self pity and hatred regarding the latest in a long line of sporting disappointments, everyone is able to see the bright light up ahead. Yes, there is a groundswell of support for Mike Davis, who after many years of being an underappreciated, and perhaps an underrated coach, finally has his team in place and is succeeding. I know that every IU fan will be elated to see that the new president hugs Mike frequently, refers to him as "my man", and is a big supporter. Finally, the dark cloud of uncertainty has arisen and brighter days are certainly ahead for the basketball Hoosiers and their steadfast leader.

Unless he gets a job offer in the CBA or SEC this offseason, of course.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/seth_davis/01/19/hoop.thoughts/index.html

Your friend and cautiously (though probably pointlessly) optimistic Purdue fan,

Nick

Our city is quickly becoming rather Indian-Reservation-esque in its prevelant alcoholism. Of course, that fits nicely with the fact that Indy is rather Indian-Reservation-esque in its quantity of hot, single, date-able chicks. There's probably a link there...a "which-came-first?-the-chicken-or-the-egg?" thing. We'd research it, but, you know...we're pretty hammered right now. Some other time.
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I would like to read some other rants. Are you going to put them up? I would also say that Rob H. sucks.

Paul E.

Rob H. kicked all your asses. And just because you asked for your rant to be put up, we're not doing it. You ruined it for everyone, Paul...everyone who would have loved to see their entries posted. (And by "everyone," we mean "everyone who entered the contest, including, in total: Kim in Indy; Sir Terrance of Stansberry; Roy Hobbson; Shelton in Southport—who turned out to be some confused guy who thought he was booking a ticket on Greyhound; Paul E; Roy Hobbson again, with entry #2; and some Pittsburgh fan who is now probably dead due to a Speedway Williams letter-bomb.") Asking us to post something you wrote is a quick way to get your ass Evan-Altman'd from Flipside. But for now, we'll just publicly harrass you.
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...I was recently reading your articles about the Colts...I read up to the part about shitting your pants at rock lobster...I dont know if it's possible to laugh up a kidney, but, I assure you I was very close to doing so. On New Years Eve a friend of mine did just that...He walked over to me with a look of utter disgrace on his face...He said to me "Parker it's time to go" I responded with "It's only 12:14" He looks at me with the most dreadful look you could imagine on a person, and follows with "I just sharted, and I think it's pretty bad"...So being the good friend I am, I gathered up the rest of the people I was with and we headed back to a friends apartment off of allisonville...soon after arriving my soiled friend decides that he wants to drive back to Veedersburg...So he and two of my other friends went with him...but, the real disturbing part of this whole story is that he ate 13 slyders on the way home...unbelievable. Anyway back to the Colts...which I went to see the next day...How much of a fan is that, sitting through a whole game watching the two words that sum up my worst nightmare...Jim Sorgi...First and foremost I'm a Notre Dame fan 100%...but, Heres my suggestion, trade the choke artist you all know as Peyton Manning to Houston for the first pick, draft Vince Young and lets rebuild (amazing Rose Bowl performance, anyone can admit that)... because this obviously isnt working...I'm sure you guys get all kinds of email's...maybe none quite like this...but, email back and let me know your feelings on the situation...

J. Parker (Ed. Note: This is a new "J. Parker," separate and distinct from the other 19 "J. Parkers" who routinely write in to Flipside)

Really, when it comes right down to it, who hasn't sharted themselves on the Rock Lobster dancefloor? Think about it: you're most likely about 13 Vodka/Red Bulls deep, there's those goddamn strobe lights, and it's upwards of 128 degrees. Becoming incontinent is nature's way of demanding that you get out. If you don't heed the warning, the next step is loss of central nervous functions. Then you die.
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Pat's line in the Roundtable about Artest dressing up as an "Evil Wizard" before games is classic.

Willie C, in an inner-office email, giving props to Pat Beach

Yeah, that was a good line...we liked the "Evil Wizard" part.
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I came across your site really by accident while I was looking for the old IU cleaning lady clip. After doing some searching I was lead to your infofmation and now am requesting a copy of the clip if possible. It will do the old heart some good to see and hear that lady sing the Indiana, Our Indiana again.

I look forward to hearing from you and thank you in advance for your help in this matter.

IU Fan forever ,
Bruce H.

(We helped in this matter, of course. And thankfully so, because Bruce changed the course of Flipside as we know it with his reply...)

Blessings upon you barefoot men...What an incredible treat this will be to watch this again after all these years. Thnak you again.

Bruce H.

Three things regarding the phrase, "Blessings upon you barefoot men": (1) it's now Flipside's opening prayer before each staff meeting; (2) we promise that it'll be the title of our first print publication; and (3) with a little luck, we're going to have it replace "The Crossroads of America" as Indiana's official motto (anyone crossing into our state would see a 150-foot sign reading, "Welcome to Indiana...blessings upon you barefoot men." It'd be instant credibility for our fair state.) Thank you for that, Bruce.
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I was re-visiting some of the Artest material...I forgot about the best line on the entire site -- "Me play fight-fight with white people." Simply brilliant.

Willie C, in an inner-office email, giving yet more unsolicited props to Pat Beach

Jesus f---ing Christ. Get a room.
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Ron Artest is no more. The Maloof boys think they got the better end of the deal. All we got was a guy that shows up to play every night and can hit a jumper in the context of the offense. I can't believe the Kings were dumb enough to make the trade. Donnie Walsh must have the most extensive collection of NBA Executive/Farm Animal polaroids known to man.

And the best part? Ken Shouler of ESPN actually thinks it was a good deal for the Kings. When asked if Ronnie could turn it around in Sacramento, he replied, "Yes. He caused him own problems last year and continued to cause them this year. But I believe, until I see otherwise, that he's capable of self-rehabilitation. He's blown one chance -- not more than one -- as many pro athletes have."

"Ronnie", as he is so lovingly referred to by Donnie and Larry, is filming his own reality show. Obviously Shouler isn't keeping up with the dailies coming in.

Welcome to Indy, Pej.

Rob H.

Great email. But no public recognition this time. Sorry. Oh...and some reader hates your guts. (Welcome to the always-satisfying world of writing for Flipside.)
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HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD ABOUT THIS IU B-BALL PLAYER'S RAP VIDEO... I'M TRYING
TO FIND IT... LET ME KNOW IF YOU DO....BIG FAN OF FLIPSIDE!

James R.

Does "let me know" mean "buy 90 seconds of advertising space during the Super Bowl
to run portions of the video, and then have a paid actor with Indiana ties look into the camera and say "See? See what we're dealing with here at IU?" and then dramatically look down, in shame, before turning and walking away from the camera?" Is that what you mean? Because that's exactly what's going to happen if what you're saying is true.
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BACKGROUND: After a massive, "Paris-Hilton-like spending spree" in the Flipside Store—the likes of which not seen since Willie C's father went all Rodney-Dangerfield-in-the-Bushwood-proshop—we sent the supposed purchaser an email telling him that either: (A) his credit card had been stolen by a deranged lunatic; or (B) he's now the majority shareholder of Flipside Enterprises. His response...

Dear Flipside,

Thanks for the follow up. Does this mean I get a night, maybe just 15 minutes, with Paris Hilton? Props to you if you can hook me up with that skank. Yes, I am aware of my now buyer's remorse spending spree. A couple of the purchases are gifts for my soon-to-be-15-year-old son's birthday. He is an avid Flipside reader and has acquainted several of his friends to your site. They love your irreverent takes on IU basketball, the Pacers, Colts, etc. I'm not sure what that means but it seems it piques their interest considerably more than Geometry and Advanced Modern Civilization. He's a little creeped out,however, that he at 15 and his Dad, age 51, actually enjoy the same sick sports humor....it's the same look he gives me when I am listening to Coldplay.

Glad to know that my spree beat Willie C's father's. As a majority stockholder now, I look forward to the windfall quarterly dividends that will be coming my way. Ain't America great?

Tried to find some past articles from the Archives and have been unable to locate them on your site. Are they there somewhere?

Keep up the good work. The Forums and % Chance That are a hoot.

Respectfully,
Tim R.
Potentate and Majority Shareholder

As the "majority shareholder" of Flipside, you can "now look forward to" being the defendant in 18 various federal and state lawsuits. And there's also a few criminal-charge thingies pending. We'll let you know if anything else pops up. Thanks, Champ.
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Usually I would respond with something witty and glib in order to make the august pages of the fan forum but goddamn you Roy Hobbson all to hell. Your article on the current state of "Hoosier nation" is spot on. Simply cannot get exicted about my school anymore.

Why? Three reasons:

1. Let's face it. One of our deepest secret loves about the old program WAS about Knight. A man's man. Dude hung out fly fishing with Ted Williams in Russia, Bill Parcells in Minnesota. The list goes on. Sure, he was losing control and 1st round tourney games, but on some level....

We reveled in the way he thumbed his nose at the press, the establishment and got in the face of the femminized world of the politically correct nanny state. "Just sit back and enjoy it." Yeah! Go Bob! And the program reflected this. We could feed our collective masculine ID through the General and let him take the heat. "Gotdamit!" We'd scream at the TV; get your candy ass down the floor, Landon!"

Sadly the same forces at work emasculated Indiana H.S. basketball. Instead of protecting its "brand," Hoosier Hysteria is just like any other State because the soccer moms in Carmel decided that everyone deserves a participation trophy: just like in
T-ball.

2. So why can't we embrace Davis? Trust. How can you trust a man with this program who publically aspires to breaking even over the next 4 games? You KNOW were this path will eventually lead.

3. Finally, their is one obvious fact if you're honest enough to admit it, if only to yourself. You could care less if the man were black, white or ailen. Simply put, Mike Davis is a
p---y.

D. Andrews

When we're done reading it, we'll comment on your dissertation. The first few chapters looks good, though.
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My really neat Flipside Sports T-shirt was hand delivered by Willie C a few days ago. It looks great except that when I checked out myself in the mirror, "SPORTS" was spelled backwards! Is this a printing error? Can I get a refund?

Doc Croms

What is this, "The Willie C Hour?" Nevertheless, a full investigation is pending, Doc. You'll have your answer in 6-to-8 weeks.
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I'm going to have to throw a flag on your Mindy Cohn reference. Everybody knows that "Mindy" was really just Ernest Borgnine wearing a wig in a feebled attempt to bed the "barely 80's hot" Blair Warner.

Alex J.

Well said. And for the record, this is an example of why the Forum is being raised to unparalleled heights. It's clearly the most well-written portion of the site...you know, because we're not really writing it. Keep making plays, Flippies. Keep making plays.

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January 6, 2006

Dear Flipside Staff-

After reading the email you posted from "The Bird", I would like to weigh in on your reference that Heather Williams is the USC to his Texas...well, well, much like the Trojans attempts to re-enact the movie "Brokeback..." on the gridiron last night, Heather's heart wrenching email falls short of anticipation. My vote, give the trophy for email of the year to "The Bird." Besides, do we really want to hear Heather ramble on at the awards banquet about how she couldn't have done it without "God, and Stacey Paetz." Heather, much like NFL preseason games, God doesn't care about the witty bantering of a website...although, I have heard that once the said site offers apparel, he tends to perk up...

Keep up the good work,

Scott F.

P.S. Heather, can I get Stacey's phone number. I have a few "past-due" bills that need to be paid, and you stated she would help a stranger! Don't be a liar Heather, have her pay the bills!

Not to ruin the surprise, but Heather Williams already locked up "Email of the Decade."
The "USC/Texas" analogy obviously didn't capture this. So maybe we need a new analogy: she's the "Jessica Alba" to everyone else's "Mindy Cohn." End of story.
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I'm sure softball teams all over the greater Bedford Metropolitan area are adding
Flip Side gear to their carts as we speak.

Rob H.

You're probably right. So too are Heather Williams, C. Jemal Horton, Isiah Thomas,
the Indy Vipers, Rob Morris, Stacy Paetz, Mike Davis, people from Terre Haute,
Mark Patrick, Eric Dickerson, religious zealots, Cadillac Anderson, Linda Cohen,
Paul Mokeski, Rodney Root, six of Ron Artest's personalities, people from Muncie,
"Sik Wit It," WNBA fans, and the FCC.
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Oh my god.....the satin jacket is the best thing I have ever seen on the site! I'd buy a bakers dozen and give them away to friends and family if they weren't so pricey. That begs the question: why are they so expensive??

Chad L.

They're outrageously expensive because we have no idea how much they actually cost. It was meant as a joke...the opening piece in our much-heralded "Martinsville Collection" (which also includes the soon-to-be-released Flipside Zubaz Pants, Flipside air-brushed t-shirts, and Bugs Bunny beer coozies). However, if you truly want the satin jacket, let us know, and we'll find out how much it would actually cost to make. And we'll give it to you for exactly that. Why? Because we're of the belief the world would be a better place if there were more satin jackets around. A much better place.
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When can we expect some All-Cadillac-team related gear? When?!!

KM

Soon, KM. God-willing, soon.
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Will I look that buff if I wear a flipside shirt? If so, I'll take 5!!!

J. Parker

Unfortunately, no. But plans are in the works for a molded-rubber Flipside shirt that will. It'll be kind of like a Batman suit, but, you know...gayer.
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I just ordered my Flip Side hat......If I have a big lead in competition and I put it on "rally" style, will I choke away the lead?

D. Boncosky

Probably. (No take-backs.)
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SUBJECT: Thanks [for the "Bob the Bounty Hunter" shirt]

I was wondering how many copyright suits you would face. Star Wars, Colts, even Bill Murray (he has had a hard time letting go of his title roll in "What about Bob?") I look forward to the shirt, and the hours of explaining that will accompany it. "No, Mom, for the last F*ing time, Fett is not a player on the Colts."

Thank you,

Scott F.

Don't forget "A&E" ("Dog the Bounty Hunter"), which is an NBC station, which is owned by GE. So we're toeing the copyright-infringement-line with GE, the NFL, and Lucas Films. For our next shirt—just to keep things interesting—we'll try to get into a legal scrap with Microsoft, Coca-Cola, and IBM.    ______________________________________________________________________

SUBJECT: Hockey Sucks

Excellent excellent excellent! But I'm not ordering a hat just yet.

Dave V.

PS. I like midget porn, not on TV yet though.

You show us a person who doesn't like midget porn, and we'll show you a goddamn liar.
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Please...Please send me that clip....As a kid growing up in the 80's, ,that was great....IU BB will never be the same. That article you wrote was right on the money...Thank-you

Todd Winchester
New Albany, IN

...4,996...
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Flipside,

Watching the 2006 Rose Bowl was like seeing commercials for Johnny Knoxville's
new movie "The Ringer" (I have not, and, God willing, will not see it): it proved that mentally challenged people can make a living in front of the camera.   Keith Jackson and Dan Fouts probably earned more for that broadcast than most people make in a year, yet they committed more errors than Sammy Sosa.   The tilt between the Trojans and the Longhorns brought me back to the days of Harry Caray and Steve Stone, when Stone had to tiptoe delicately around the constant miscued of the Bud Man.   The most
glaring difference in the more recent pairing, though, was the fact that Fouts seemed oblivious to a great deal of Jackson's gaffes. I didn't know whether to laugh at the commentators or feels bad for their sad lot in life.   Could you guys please explain how either of these two still have careers?

Evan Altman

Maybe ABC fired Jackson and Fouts but they just kept showing up anyway.   That's not really uncommon, apparently.

February 15, 2006

A recent study showed 60% of prison inmates serving life sentences did not remember the crime they committed as a result of being blacked out from alcohol, prolonged pharmaceutical drug use, narcotics, or a combination of the three. It is apparent to me that the Hoosier basketball team will not remember receiving the flesh enema from Minnesota on Sunday, as they were obviously on something, I just wish I could say the
same. I am scarred, causing me to consider having an affair with another school.
Can you recommend any DII or DIII schools to cheer for until the Pterodactyl (Davis) is gone?

Rudiger Katzencarter, NYC

In terms of brilliant writings, on a scale of 1 to 10—with "1" being a DJ Gallo article, and "10" being the "Family Guy" episode where Brian starts doing blow—that email is up in the lofty 8.3-to-8.6 category. (And while we're here, let's clear this up right now: Flipside, on the whole, has been rated as a rather Raygan-Swan-ish -2.4. Nuts to that.)
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Dear Flipside,

I can think of three things that can happen in a man's life that let him know he's made it: A) he pays for sex, not because he has to, but because he can (see also: Charlie Sheen, Hugh Grant, and Denny Neagle); 2) he can fail miserably and publicly at every previous job but still manage to find other positions (Zeke); D) his name becomes a verb. I can't afford to pay for sex and I can't find a new job, but I think the Oxford English Dictionary is clearing some space for me. Thank God for the Forum!

Evan Altman

Speaking of "clearing some space"...remember, Judge Hendricks ordered that you can't come within 400 yards of the Flipside office. Keep that in mind.
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Iowa...Minnesota...The beginning of Davis' inevitable implosion of the year...Does the guy ever think to himself, I might try coaching today...Every time I see him on the sidelines he has his head dropped, staring at the ground...I wonder what he's thinking...Not only was it Iowa and Minnesota but, they stomped our ass'...and can anyone tell me how Sean Kline lasted for so long on this team?...I'm guessin his pops is a huge booster to the university...Northwestern on Wednesday...It'll probably end up being one more reason to make this January even more miserable...In my last email, I told you about the "cyborg" eating all the slyders...I was referring to White Castle...Another one of those places you wouldn't touch unless your completely shitfaced...The only thing that would make this state a worse place for sports right now would be bringing a pro hockey team in...Sorry about the Peyton comments, after all he's still my hero, I was just frustrated...well, keep it real...

J. Parker

The first step, according to Over-Ellipsis Annonymous, is admitting that you have a problem. We can't do it for you, Mr. Parker. This is a battle you must fight alone. Godspeed, and stay clean.
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Roy,

With all due respect, get over yourself. If you can't acclimate to the ever changing dynamic in sports, both pro and college, your 6 week old son will later in life be subjected to over the top amounts of "When I was kid IU basketball..."stories. Nobody wants that do they? By my account the one program that has remained a relative constant in the past 20 or so years has been Duke. Kansas, Kentucky, UCLA, they've all changed. Some good, some not so good. Point being, GET OVER YOURSELF. Bob Knight is gone and is never coming back, nor is his untouchable IU legacy. You should be thankful for what he gave you. PERIOD. Mike Davis didn't create this situation, he's dealing with it. So should you and your ilk. Just be thankful you're not a Michigan fan. I wish I had your problems. Take it for what it's worth, and that is just an outsider's view point, and one that is shared by many outside the IU community. I will now don my mock turtleneck and blazer and prepare for the Wisconsin tilt today at 2:30.

DG

Percent chance that "DG" is Swahili for "Rodney Root": 31.8%. It'd be a higher number, but this email incorporates the word "ilk." And the grammer is above and beyond Rodney's "Highway Overpass Graffiti School of Writing." Still a tough call, though.
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Incidentally, I can't believe you got taken that badly by going to the seminar. You're a pretty street-savvy kid. Pathetic really. Deer, meet headlights.

Larry "Lonestar" Phelps, in an inner-office email to Roy Hobbson

Larry, meet your Flipside Rookie-of-the-Year Award Bonus. (And before you get all excited, it's actually a "Rax Roast Beef" gift card. And it expired in 1986.)
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I've pissed off someone I don't even know. I need a moment to let this sink in. Does this mean that I now have the ability to cause people to hate me, but without the time consuming hassle and expense of going to family holiday gatherings, getting married, drinking with them, etc...?

The world is my oyster. Thanks, Flipside!!!

Rob H., responding to a Forum post where someone said that he "sucks"

No problem. Oh...and please don't ever use the phrase, "the world is my oyster" on
this site ever again. We've already been accused of being "too caucasian." No need
to fan the flames here, Rob. And trust us...that phrase is incredibly inflammatory. See, it instantly propels us into that uber-white realm of unimaginable, painful whiteness
(along the lines of Indiana Beach, the GOP, and the phrase "to beat the band").
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A friend forwarded me your Davis/Greenspan Office Space bit. "Chillin on the couch ... watching 360 fakie dookie blasters ... f---in A." Oh my god. And with that I am now a Flippie. Or whatever is you call your lifetime fans.

You had me at dookie blasters ... you had me at dookie blasters.

JR in Chicago

Welcome aboard, JR. Your "Super Secret Flippie ID#" is as follows: 0000-00-0009. Write it down. And don't forget that you owe us your initiation fee ($4.95).
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Shouldn't you guys be talking about the Pacers right about now? They're kind of on fire. It's as if Carlisle morphed into Jerry Tarkanian with this up-tempo play. Its fun to watch. Anyway, just wanted to get your thoughts.

Rick R.

Yeah, well...we're a little preoccupied with Mike Davis right now. It's not everyday
that you get to watch Karma repeatedly and violently drop the hammer on somebody—Koko-B-Ware-style—for like 18 consecutive days. We're not saying that we don't enjoy watching JO's array of wildly ornate butterfly-collars...because we do. We're just saying that we'd rather focus on Davis mentally breaking down like the legendary Jerry Mitchell awaiting his fate in Three O'Clock High. Hope that explains it. ______________________________________________________________________

Can you please take the Davis photo down off the front page? Every time I check the site I end up throwing up in my mouth. Can someone please fire him before the Wednesday night game? Does anyone at the University have a sack? It's embarrassing that he wasn't fired after calling in sick and now it's humiliating that he is still employed after his Monday comments.

M. Drew

(We've gotten all the mileage out of this that we're going to get. You know Flipside...we don't go to the proverbial well more than one or two dozen times.)
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Damnit! We need a flipsidian response now that Mike Davis has gone all "Ricky Birdsong" on us with his whine-a-thon during the B-10 teleconference. The classic quotes are piling up by the minute. Obviously he was still hugging the porcelian god as he flushed his career with such manly taunts to the fans being responsible for the team's lack of success. Is Mike French? What with the talk about the program would be better off "with someone from here" and "I'm pretty much out of ideas on how to
motivate these players." That'll do it Mike, way to fire up the team. A compendium is in order.

Meanwhile the Star News is getting scooped hourly by ESPN.com, Fox news, CBSsportsline.com and other reliable news outlets awaiting their Pulitzer's, no doubt.

Said it before and I'll say it again. Mike, we love IU basketball; its you we cannot stand. You are a p----y. Way to fall on your sword today and take one for the team. The Prosecution rests its case. The death watch continues.

D. Andrews

For whatever reasons, you seem like a man who knows people, a man who is not to be trifled with. Like William Faulkner. Or Alfonso Ribeiro. So here it is, as you requested.

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