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| The Ron Artest Edition |
| Speedway Williams | Roy Hobbson | JQ | Devon Durrant | Scooby Scearce |
| The Ron Artest Edition |
| ________________________________________________________________ 1) Why is this city so infatuated with Ron Artest? JQ: Because ever since Tyson left Plainfield, we have been starved and deprived of off-balanced athletes to call our own. DEVON: In the 80's it was Henry Lee Summer. In the 90's it was "Hoosier Millionaire," Stan Solomon, and WFMS. Now it's Ron Artest. Indianapolisonians have always embraced the intolerable. ROY: Because medicated people are funny. SCOOBY: He is always giving you the false hustle and questionable shot selection that make so many of us mediocre open gym players. SPEEDWAY: We can either read about Reggie's new orthopedic shoes or Tinsley's new fatburning training regimen...OR, we can read about the guy with 18 personalities who might snap off the head of a fan/teammate/loved-one/Dick Bavetta because an opponent made contact during a box-out. ________________________________________________________________ 2) Aside from what was written in SLAM Magazine, what other stories have you heard involving Ron's bizarre behavior at the end of last year? SPEEDWAY: Nothing too interesting: he bit off his cat's head when she missed the litterbox and then went on a four-state killing spree after blowing a layup during IUPUI summer ball. You know, just the usual stuff. SCOOBY: That he was fined by the Pacers for participating in a sewing bee in Center Grove. His contract specifically states that he is not to touch sharp objects when around others. ROY: That this exchange took place during a pre-playoff-game practice... DEVON: I heard that he was running numbers for Pete Rose while having sex with Anne Heche right after Marilyn Manson removed his lower ribs right before Game 6 of the Pistons series. (That's just what I heard from one the friends of his sister who saw Ron pass out at "31 Flavors" last night.) JQ: That it's all true. ________________________________________________________________ 3) What did Artest have to work on during the off-season in order to better himself as a ballplayer? DEVON: He has to work on two different shots: (a) jump shot, and (b) rabies shot. SCOOBY: Learning to take his medication more consistently. JQ: Racking Rip Hamilton just a little harder. ROY: Fighting the urge to go turkey-hunting in Terhune hours before playoff games. SPEEDWAY: Improving his one-handed 27-foot off-the-dribble fadaway shot. And keeping it realer. ________________________________________________________________ 4) Did you agree with Artest when he said that he was the best player on the Pacers last year? SCOOBY: No. That was undoubtedly Primoz Brezec. But now that he is the centerpiece of the Charlotte Bobcats, the door is open for Ronnie to shine. ROY: Yes, provided that "the best player" means "the player most likely to knife David Craig for wrapping the ankle tape too tightly." SPEEDWAY: Absolutely. I also agree that Jan was the best looking Brady sister and that Don King just wants what's best for his clients. JQ: Yes, since Brewer had that pesky hammy and all. DEVON: Of course. He makes the starting five of my "All Time-Best Players on Their Teams Team": ________________________________________________________________ 5) If Artest's "TruWarier" record label and Dale Davis' "World Ain't Right" producing company merged, what would their corporate goal be? JQ: To cross a man that looks like Ike Turner with man who acts like him. Wait… DEVON: To make a 2nd All-Star game appearance. ROY: To hunt the deadliest game of all: man. SCOOBY: The complete elimnation of grammar from our national educational system curriculum once and for all. Sho' 'nuff. SPEEDWAY: World edumacation thru truncation. ________________________________________________________________ 6) In the Hierarchy of Bush-League Athletic Apparel, where does "L.A. Gear" rank? DEVON: Not quite as Bush-League as "Pro Wings" or "Zips," but definitely in that "Spalding" to "Etonic" range. SCOOBY: Behind Rec-Specs (primarily due to their functionality and descriptive brand name), but ahead of "Roos" sneakers (especially the orange, navy blue, and white Walter Payton ones that my mother so irresponsibly threw out without bothering to remove the 78 cents that was still in the zipper-pouch). SPEEDWAY: Just below "K-Swiss" and above "Buster Brown's" new "Hush Puppy Ballerz" line. JQ: Right above "Pony" and right below "Ewings." ROY: A.P. Poll ranked #3 (right behind "Osco Athletic Gear" and the clothing line from "Champp's Americana"). ________________________________________________________________ 7) What's the main difference between the following people: Ron Artest, Miggs from Silence of the Lambs, and Mariah Carey? SPEEDWAY: Miggs was white. ROY: I don't think that Mariah has thrown semen at an FBI agent. DEVON: I would have sex with Mariah Carey. Miggs would have sex with me. Ron Artest would have sex with Cujo. SCOOBY: Compared to the others, Miggs was relatively sane. JQ: Ron-Ron and Miggs have never seen my bed. |
| October 11, 2004 |
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| Ron: "C'mon, gizzard...didn't you say you'd rather be in Terhune?" Jamaal: "I ain't no gizzard." |
| G Maurice Cheeks 1982-83 76ers G Vinny Del Negro 1998-99 Spurs F Luc Longley 1996-97 Bulls F Ron Artest 2003-04 Pacers C Greg Kite 1985-86 Celtics Honorable Mention: Ringo Starr, 1967 Beatles; Clearance Thomas, 2004 Supreme Court; David Schwimmer, 2004 "Friends"; Brian Bosworth, 1988 Screen Actors Guild; Daniel Baldwin, 1996 "Baldwin Family Christmas" |
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