Tuesday, December 6, 2005
Speedway Williams  |  Larry Phelps  |  DJ Gallo  |  Frank Mint  |  Roy Hobbson
December Reset Edition
(1) To what situation in life would you analogize the Colts—should the opportunity arise—resting their starters instead of attempting to go 16-and-0?

SPEEDWAY — It's like telling Regis that you'd like to just skip going for the million and stop after $1,000.  While we're at it, let's try and lose the rest of our games to make sure we don't get the last pick in the NFL draft.

ROY — It's a decision about on par with the following:















 LARRY  — Opting for late-night Bamba "extra hot sauce."  Seems reasonable at the time, but in hindsight, it's just about the stupidest idea imaginable.

FRANK — Resting their starters makes about as much sense as me not using my lucky penny to play my paycheck's worth of the Hoosier Lottery's "Cool Cash" scratch-off cards.

DJ GALLO — That would be like renting out your boat to the Minnesota Vikings!!!  They would have sex parties on your boat and your boat would be dirty and you would be sad.

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(2) What has surprised you most about the Colts over the last 12 games?

ROY — I still can't get over the fact that Jim Irsay agreed to let "Tarik's Tots" finger-paint the Colts helmet onto the 50-yard line.  (And also, there's...you know, Tony Dungy's refusal to let his jaundice get the better of him.  But mainly the former.)

LARRY  — The fact that people believe we don't need to re-sign Edge.  Our offense won't work without him.  Case in point: our play-action game.  Edge is the best running back at picking up pass rushers.  I love Dom Rhodes, but the guy's a liability in protecting Peyton. 

FRANK — The cessation of Peyton Manning's hairline.

DJ GALLO — I can't believe that Peyton hasn't strained a wrist with all those hand-signals he does before the snap!!!  Before every play, he looks like he's reenacting the "Hand-Jive"
scene from Grease!!!  What's the deal with that?!!  Good times.

 SPEEDWAY — Neither Lamey, Marchibroda, or Corey "Big Pants" Simon have keeled over from the excitement.

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(3) How do you suppose Flipside’s favorite Colt—Bob Sanders—spends his free time?

SPEEDWAY — My guess is that it's similar to how Hanibal Lecter spent his free time...dreaming of dismemberment, chained to a steel cage, hungry for human flesh.

 LARRY  — Quietly wishing that he were four inches taller so people would start comparing him to Ronnie Lott or Jack Tatum.

DJ GALLO — Sanders spends his free time learning how to rent boats and learning how to bring hookers onto boats so that he can become a Minnesota Viking next season and throw sex-parties on boats just like the Minnesota Vikings do!!!  Good times!!! 

FRANK — Filling in for Kenny Baker as R2D2 at Star Wars conventions.  Rumor has it that Marvin Harrison sometimes joins Bob when Anthony Daniels tires of playing C3PO (the first openly-gay droid).

ROY — I actually researched this, so I know the answer: Bob enjoys working on cars.  (And by "working on," I mean "chewing on.") 

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(4) IU’s loss to Duke: what can you say?

LARRY — At least the pteradactyl didn't swoop in from the sidelines when the game was still in doubt (see Mike Davis at Kentucky).

ROY — I can, and will, say a lot.  But now is not the time.  So I'll just say this: it does not reflect well on the state of Indiana when the IU coaches and not-in-uniform players are all dressed like Cedric the Entertainer.  This must change.  Now. 

SPEEDWAY — I never thought I could hate a team more than Duke.  I never, ever thought the team I hated more than Duke would be IU.

DJ GALLO — That Duke coach, Mike Krzyzkivzwekzewski, could smell victory from like miles away because he has a gigantic nose and everytime he looked like he was going to sneeze I ducked even though I was watching on TV because I thought his snot would still reach me because he has such a gigantic nose!!!  What's the deal with that guy's schnoz?!?  Good times in Bloomington!!!

FRANK — One coach was playing chess and the other was playing checkers.
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(5) What could Mike Davis have done differently to give the Hoosiers a better chance of winning against Duke?

SPEEDWAY — He could have brought Gary Brackett out of the stands to sweep the leg on Redick.  Oh...and maybe call a play besides "Pass tha ball to Marco."

ROY — He could've let a half-empty can of Shasta take over the coaching responsibilities.

 FRANK — Maybe opted for an eight-button suit coat.  Or he could have handed the clipboard to assistant coach Rupp.

 LARRY — I think we can all agree the Lewis Monroe Era has just about come to an end.  When one of your starting guards (A) Can't shoot, and (B) Can't dribble with his left hand, you've got problems.  (Note to Lewis: you're not Chris Reynolds.)

DJ GALLO — He could have pulled the old "Don't Drop the Soap play" which is a play that Jamaal Lewis invented while he was in prison this summer and it worked good there and Mike Davis should've used it because federal penitentiaries are hilarious!!! 

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(6) From what you’ve seen so far, what will IU have to do in order to make the NCAA tournament this year?

SPEEDWAY — Play the rest of their games at Assembly Hall, add three more former NBA power forwards to their coaching staff, and just to be sure, have the NCAA end the season today.

ROY — They shouldn't rule out the Shasta-can idea.  Just feel it out.  See how the team reacts.  Go from there. 

DJ GALLO — Here's what they shouldn't do: take a boat out on Lake Monroe with some Bloomington-area hookers and have sex with those hookers because then they'll all end up looking like Mike Tice who looks like a caveman probably because he has sex with hookers on boats and because he's stupid-looking!!!  And yes...that IS my final answer!!!   

LARRY — Learn how to beat a 2-3 zone when DJ White comes back.

 FRANK — Clone Killingsworth.

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(7) What has been least surprising about the Pacers’ first 16 games of the year?

LARRY — That Jamaal has missed 1/3 of the games thus far.  Is there a more unreliable Pacer in recent memory this side of Stuart Gray?  ("They're not booing him...they're Stuing him.")  What can I say—I love the old double nickel.

ROY — Bowser's continued (and alarming) weight gain.  There's nothing funny about
Type II Diabetes.  Our thoughts and prayers are with him.  Godspeed, Bowser.  Godspeed.

FRANK — The most dominant NBA player at H-O-R-S-E, Jonathan Bender, has scored less than Bruce Villanch at a party at the Playboy Mansion.

DJ GALLO — That this headline hasn't appeared in Indy's local paper yet: "Six Pacers Suspended for Beating Up People in the Crowd...Again"  (I got to remember that one because it's classic and the people at ESPN Page2 will love it just ike Jamaal Lewis
loved "lights out time" in the "pokey"!!!!  Good times!!!)    

SPEEDWAY — That I haven't enjoyed a Pacer team less since Greg Dreiling was rebounding Terrence Stansbury's errant jumpers.

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(8) Why do you think Ron Artest shaved “TruWarier” into the back of his head?

ROY — Because he forgot how to spell "Oh Yeah."  

SPEEDWAY — He wanted to distance himself from that nasty Dennis Rodman association.

FRANK — Because David Stern wouldn't approve of him shaving "Bad-Ass Muthaf----er" into the back of his head.

DJ GALLO — (I think that it's the name of his record label.)

LARRY — Listen, I'm a 30-year-old white guy...the last thing I need is to be looking over  my shoulder for Ron-Ron.  Thanks, but I'll pass on any attempt at humor here.  I've got enough to worry about already.
Executive Producer #1: "You know what...the world is ready for a sitcom where two bachelors live together in a downtown apartment!  They could pick up chicks and, uhh, I don't know...not have jobs and stuff.  It'd be hilarious."

Executive Producer #2: "By God, you're right.  The show practically writes itself. But what actors could pull it off? 
Who, I ask you?!  Who?!"

Executive Producer #1: "I've got one word for you: Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Brian Austin Green."

Executive Producer #2: "You, sir, are a genius."
December Reset Edition
Programming note: The Roundtable would like to welcome DJ Gallo, our special guest star for this edition.  DJ is a nationally renowned writer whose unique blend of sarcasm and triteness has delighted literally dozens of derelicts and functionally impaired six-year-olds throughout the years.  Our sincerest thanks to DJ.  Enjoy.