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The Detroit Free-For-All
The Detroit Free-For-All
Devon Durrant   |   Speedway Williams   |   Roy Hobbson  |   Moonshine Graham  |   Pat Beach
(1) To what experience would you compare seeing an enraged Ron Artest frantically climbing over six rows of seats in order to end you?

DEVON: My 1988 slumber party at the Neverland Ranch.

ROY: Standing between the roast-beef station at Ponderosa and an enraged, hasn't-eaten-in-12-hours Chuck Person.  (Or is now Chuck People?  Whichever it is, you'd be terrified...and you'd end up maimed and probably dead.) 

SPEEDWAY: It was similar to the feeling I had watching the "When Tigers Attack" video from Siegfried and Roy, only Montecor was a bit gentler and actually had a reason to go all Ray-Lewis on the gay Germans.  If only Carlisle was quicker with his taser.

MOONSHINE: One time during my dad's "laid off" period—after he had drank too much Beam before dinner—I had to tell him that I quit football so I could play the clarinet.

PAT: Last weekend, when I was pinned against the bar at "Old Pro's Table" by an overly flirtatious 42-year-old Greenwood woman in a "Whitesnake" jean jacket.

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(2) What surprised you most about the fight in the stands?

SPEEDWAY: That everyone didn't know about Artest's two most hated things:
(1) Ice cubes (Ron's personal kryptonite); and (2) Nerds standing next to guys that throw ice cubes.

PAT: That Jonathon Bender somehow did NOT tear an ACL or crack three ribs or bruise his sternum while merely watching the violence unfold. 

ROY: That the guy Stephen Jackson went all Roadhouse on is still alive.

MOONSHINE: As my "Dixiecrat" grandfather from South Carolina pointed out, the impressive number of black guys who got such great seats at the game.

DEVON: Reggie "Quark" Miller didn't get the rest of his crewmates from "Star Trek: Deep Space 9" to set their phasers to stun.

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(3) What was the last thing that the little fat Mexican guy said to his buddy before he stepped up to Artest—with raised fists—following the fracas in the seats?

MOONSHINE: "Remember the Alamo!!!!!!!!"

PAT: "Tell my mom I love her and I'm sorry." 

SPEEDWAY: "Mira este puta como mi Pinata."

DEVON: "Dis' is a tough test for Ron.  I ain't no multiple choice...we'll see if he
can handle the essay portion of the exam."

ROY: "There is no spoon...there is no spoon." 

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4) Jermaine's Happy-Gilmore-like running haymaker...
what can you say?

PAT: If he connects like that on his free throws when he returns, the Pacers will be just fine. 

DEVON: I.Q. QUESTION—Truman is to Hiroshima as…ANSWER—(b) O'Neal is to Detroit-area landscaper.

SPEEDWAY: Jermaine looked like Ali...Laila Ali.

ROY: Miguel was one puddle-of-beer away from an all expense paid trip to the ICU.

MOONSHINE: To kill, you must know your enemy...even if it's a Mexican guy packing popcorn.

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(5) In the history of humankind, has there ever been a bigger understatement than the announcer's observation during the melee that "Artest has a look in his eyes that is downright scary?"  If so, what is it?

MOONSHINE: "The simplest way to put it...I have problems."  —Bob Wiley (from What About Bob?)

PAT: "Gene Keady's wife might be overdoing it a bit with the makeup."

SPEEDWAY: "Man...this Hitler guy is a real sombitch."  —Winston Churchill (during a 1941 Department of Defense meeting)

ROY: "You're kind of a bizarre guy."  —The Senator's kidnapped daughter (talking to Buffalo Bill after she had gotten the hose again) 

DEVON: "Sometimes Mike gets angry." —Robin Givens (on Barbara Walters special in 1989)

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(6) In the "Hierarchy of Ghetto Moves," where does Tinsley's wielding of a dustpan fit in?

PAT: Directly above wearing a shower cap to your place of employment and directly below replacing champagne with Mad Dog 20/20.

MOONSHINE: Now, if Tinsley had gone back after the fight to take the dustpan home...THAT would have been a historic ghetto move.

ROY: Right ahead of the "grab-your-jersey-by-your-thumbs-and-show-the-world-what-team-you-represent" move that NBA and NCAA and First Baptist Traveling Team players are now doing after a making a big shot.

DEVON: Right up there with Speedway Williams cutting his neighbor's hair and putting a weight bench in his front yard.

SPEEDWAY: It's got to rank just behind Sprewell trying to hit PJ Carlissimo with a Dirt Devil.

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(7) What was Artest saying as Chuck Person was strangely covering Ron's face during the perp-walk back to the lockerroom?
  
DEVON:  "I love Dennis Rodman and all, but necking with the Rifleman is making me uncomfortable."

MOONSHINE: "It really is strong enough for a man."

SPEEDWAY: "If only I could get to the switchblade in my sock."

ROY: "I'm sorry, Mister Man...it's just that sometimes...when it rains...I get the blues...and I feel all oogy and mad." 

PAT: "Me play fight-fight with white people."