Our 119 collective years of Open Gym (herein "OG") experience has given us the ability to instantly characterize a fellow OG'er (and his game) by how he presesnts himself, prior to even seeing him play.  This acquired skill, which we will pass on to you, is an invaluable tool when picking teams.  However, properly pegging an OG'er also involves a racial factor; the race of the OG'er in question may nullify or enhance the following generalizations. Without further ado, here is the first installment of what to look for when choosing teams (and the accompanying "race factor" which may or may not affect the rationale):

1.)  More than Two (2) Supportive Braces--Included in the all-encompassing category of "supportive braces" are ankle, calf, knee, back and wrist braces.  When a person arrives at an OG with two or more of the aforementioned devices, this person is either: (A) An old-schooler who blocks out excessively (long after the ball has been rebounded), throws spinning bounce-passes into the post, and lives off the (right and left-handed) baby-hook; or (B) Accident-prone (and thus will shy away from all physical contact).  Simply ascertaining the age of the wearer will dictate whether or not chose him: "Old-schoolers" are to be coveted when picking teams while the "Accident-Prone" faction is to be decided on other extinuating circumstances (i.e., his ability to drain wide-open three's).  RACE FACTOR: N/A

2.)  Headband--Headband wearers, for the most part, are insecure about their respective games and thus need superficial enhancements to give the appearance of achievement.  How the headband came to pass as the international sign depicting the presence of "game" is beyond us.  In any event, headband wearers are broken down into two separate (but equally idiotic) groups:
(A) Those who wear Nike/adidas/Reebok/And1 headbands
(the wearer is instantly classified as a Division-I idiot and is
to be avoided at all costs); and (B) Those who wear the
dreaded NBA headband (not only should the wearer not be
chosen, but he should be undercut at the first possible
opportunity).  RACE FACTOR: The "headband analysis"
only applies if the wearer is white (headbands look cool
on black guys, and thus they are not worn as a deceptive
device).

3.)  Any Type of T-Shirt Depicting a Weight-Lifting Achievement--The wearer of any shirt involving the lifting of weights is--simply put--a meathead.  (As a side-note, the most common example reapeatedly seen around the various Indianapolis OG sites is the "Franklin Central 300 Club" shirt which gives notice to the world that the wearer could, at one time, bench-press 300 pounds.  Pretty cool.)  If said meathead also has massive amounts of acne scarring on his neck and shoulders, he was (or is) also a steroid-taking freak liable to break various vertebrae of anyone entering the lane.  He must be picked immediately; he is a tremendous attribute if on your team, but more importantly, a horrific nightmare if on the opposition.  The meathead loves setting teeth-rattling backscreens and adheres to the 1989 Detroit Piston-like "No Free Baskets" doctrine.  Trust us...you want him on your team, despite the fact that he too is an idiot.  RACE FACTOR:  93% of the dangerous meatheads are white. 

4.)  Running Shoes--Strangely enough, this is more prevelant than one would expect.  The wearer is usually a college fraternity guy home for the summer (who is also probably wearing a faded baseball cap) who's been lucky enough to wear running shoes in the past and not dislocate an ankle.  He is neither a nuisance nor a positive presence; he is unquestionably, however, not the person you want taking crucial late-game shots.  Therefore, Mr. Asics should not be a first-round selection, but then again, there are other classifications of OG'ers who could prove way more detrimental to your team.  RACE FACTOR: N/A 

5.)  Jean Shorts ("Jorts")--The wearer of Jorts is not a moron, nor is he inherently obnoxious.  He is just not in tune with the proper basketball attire.  He is most
likely not adept at leading a 3-on-2 fast-break or coming
off a down-screen to square-up and nail a 20-footer.
However, the Jorts-wearer is usually a frenetic hustler who
will dive for loose balls and play pesky defense.  RACE
FACTOR:  Open-gym jorts-wearers have historically been
Mexican.  (There is insufficient data--outside of Martinsville--
to analyze the white jorts-wearer in an attempt to compare
and contrast him the the Mexican variety.  Moreover, black
guys don't do jorts.)

6.) Matching Attire--Whether wearing a full-out collegiate
or professional uniform or showing up in matching Nike/
adidas/Reebok/And1 garb (shorts, jersey, and God-forbid,
socks or headband), this is the undisputed heavy-weight
champion of OG idiots.  He's the guy who willl yell "BALL!
BALL! BALL!" when his opponent picks up his dribble. 
He's the guy who will violently snatch down a rebound
and give an accompanying yell even when there's nobody
within 10 feet of him.  Most notably, he's the f---ing moron who will make sound effects when he's taking the ball to the rack.  As well-documented on Flipside, he is the "Level 5 Overly Serious Cager" who can single-handedly ruin an entire open gym.  Not only is he to be treated like a leper when choosing teams, but he is to be flagerantly fouled each and everytime he touches the ball. RACE FACTOR: N/A.  Regardless of race, people wearing a Lamar Odom jersey complete with matching Clippers shorts, for example, are horrible basketball players.  Period.   And while there is an equal mix of both white and black "Matching Attire"-wearers, in a strange example of race perceptions, the white wearers are infinitely more obnoxious and therefore should not, under any circumstances, be chosen. 

Part II next week...
Unless you're Andre Agassi and it's 1988, you probably shouldn't be wearing "jorts" at all.
The NBA headband has replaced the GRID knee-brace (worn around the calf) as the most imitated look by young suburban white males.
Open Gym Garb: Part I