| Lesbians in Official Team Apparel: You know the type: a stocky girl with a fe-mullet who prefers to pound fists and bump chests rather than give the more feminine high five. She can often be found wearing a Purdue Women's Basketball Camp t-shirt with a pair of Chicago Bulls shorts (these are the anti-girls...they don't care if their clothes clash or not). The all- black And-1 high tops along with the inevitable ankle brace are a sure-fire sign that they (1) used to knock down set shots with uncanny regularity in high school (2) find Ellen DeGeneres funny (3) were alone on Prom night (4) think that Nell Fortner is a good broadcaster (5) passed the flexed-arm hang portion of the Presidential Physical Fitness Test in elementary school with flying colors. If there is another girl in the gym, the LOTA can be a solid acquisition to your OG squad. She is a mortal lock to bank in at least two 3-pointers from the top of the key, pass to the open man, and get on the floor for loose balls. LOTA will also never argue over a foul call. RACE FACTOR: N/A Cargo Shorts with a Concert T-Shirt: Every once in a while, a man--usually in his late teens to early 20's--will venture onto the basketball court with a loose pair of khaki cargo shorts, a chain wallet and a Phish shirt. While at first glance he appears to be a poorly dressed version of Steve Nash, don't be deceived. This guy has no game at all. If you have to check the ball up an extra time because Dave Matthews forgot to take the pack of clove cigarettes out of his wallet, you know that who he's guarding is about to have a big night. We're talking Jordan-on-Ehlo BIG. (Looking at old photos of Ehlo, he actually might have been a member of this group.) He will usually play overly aggressive defense and will be the first to fall on the floor after a mediocre Caucasian crossover. After all, Vans aren't known for their ankle support. Ben Harper will usually kick out his front foot and release the ball from his hip when he shoots and should be awarded at least a point if he draws any iron at all. Congressmen should be written so that legislation can be imposed: this country must face up to the fact that athletes shouldn't make music (i.e., Shaq, Kobe, Deion,...etc.) and musicians and their roadies shouldn't play sports (i.e., Garth Brooks and anyone who has ever participated in "Rock n' Jock"). RACE FACTOR: Cargo Shorts Boy is essentially a modern incarnation of the hippie. African-American hippies are like unicorns and natural blondes...they don't really exist. Faded-Out Stetson Hatter Practice Shorts: There are mixed opinions on the FOSHPS: some cherish his presence while others avoid him like the Headband-Wearer. The pro-FOSHPS camp appreciates his Jay-Burson-like hustle and his incessant back-door cutting; the anti-FOSHPS faction disdains his Jay-Burson-like build and his propensity to guzzle Crazy Horse between games. Both sides make legitimate points. One issue is agreed to by all: if he really did play basketball at Stetson University, that school is about as Division I as Ivy Tech. Typically, FOSHPS is Dave Corzine without the height. He is Paul Mokeski without the quicknesss. His trademark shorts are usually accompanied by an equally faded-out pair of spandex that hang too low (thus creating a rather effiminate Dominique Wilkins look--circa 1985--but without the mad hops or cool Dwayne Wayne box-cut). On any given night, it's completely hit-or-miss whether you'll get a fundamentally sound set-up man and solid defender or a turnover-prone shooting guard who neither shoots nor guards particularly well. In short, choose with caution. RACE FACTOR: Despite their propensity to quoteTrick Daddy and complain of "The Man," Indy-area FOSHPS's are 100% white. However, those traveling to various "Gus Macker" sites around the country have reported that there are black FOSHPS's who--contrary to the Caucasian variety--are highly skilled, very personable and play while sober. Overweight African-American Color Commentator: It has little to do with OG Garb, but this guy simply couldn't be omitted. We've all seen him before. He arrives with three of his friends who were high school standouts and have mad skillz. He sits out of the first three games in order to taunt you while his friends jelly-leg you with a crossover at the top of the key. He utters brilliant lines like "Take 'em to the rack, Dog!!! He's a mouse in yo' house!!!" He has a specific way of projecting himself; he usually makes a megaphone out of his hand by connecting his index and middle fingers to his thumb while flipping his pinky straight up into the air. He laughs at you from the sidelines, invents rules that have never been a part of anything remotely official and will waddle quickly to mid court in the middle of a game to give some dap to his friend. After three games, OWAACC musters the courage to actually play and the game inevitably unfolds like this: (1) OWAACC plays no defense and cherry picks to get his first wide open layup of the game. At this point he thinks he is Alex English on the 84' Nuggets; (2) The guy he is supposed to be guarding rattles off nine uncontested baskets in a row; (3) His three friends turn on him like the Russian crowd did Drago as they start to berate their sorry-ass friend; (4) He takes his first contested jump shot and it flies over the backboard. Pathetically, he tries to act like he wasn't trying by laughing immediately after the release and asking to check the ball back up; (5) When you refuse, he quits in the middle of the game and claims that he hates playing at the chosen venue because the competition is weak; and finally, (6) He convinces his friends to leave immediately following the game that he just caused them to lose. OWAACC can often be found in matching attire or in a leather Yankees hat with the tag still on it, and should not be found on your OG squad. RACE FACTOR: 99% of OWAACC's are African-American. However, he is the black equivalent to the scrawny suburban white kid, who hangs out with football players and starts fist fights at Taco Bell, Steak N' Shake, or Nora Bowl at 1:30 in the morning. |
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| "Tha Daddy" apparently had a large impact on Stetson students. |
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| 93% of all LOTA's have a Warner Bros. tattoo (just for that hint of femininity). |
| Open Gym Garb: Part II (An Encore Presentation) |