Dear Speedway

Dear Dave,

Kudos to you, my friend. You have just asked what most of the Western Hemisphere has been quietly wondering for quite some time now. It's a valid question worthy of a valid answer. And though I may be risking serious bodily injury and/or dismemberment for doing this, I feel that I am obligated to try to answer your question.

It all comes down to the tale of the tape...

What these facts and figures tell us is that Sanders and Artest are the two scariest people on the face of the earth.
Period. But of course, we already knew that.

So who wins in a battle-to-the-death?

(Be strong, be strong.) Okay. I fear the consequences of doing this, but I'm going to have to go with my gut here and side with Sanders. That's really not a slight against Ron-Ron and his violent, anger-filled psychosis as much as it's a tribute to Bobby and his ability to run clean through a back ho.

Tell my family that I love and will miss them dearly.

Sir, I gotta go,

Speedway Williams

January 14, 2005

Dear Speedway,

If Bob Sanders and an unmedicated Ron Artest squared off in an Ultimate Fighting Championship, who would end up victorious, and who would end up dead? How would it all go down? Would the spectators be permenantly scarred, or would they merely suffer temporary bouts of post-tramatic stress disorder? What do we have to do to make this bout happen? Please advise.

Your biggest fan,

Dave Kapler (Indianapolis)

Ron Artest

Height: 6'7" Weight: 252 lbs. Reach: 42"

Strengths: Incredibly long
arms; has killed before; two
of his personas are ex-Green
Berets; proficient in 193
different choke holds.

Weaknesses: Short attention
span; prone to uncontrollable
bouts of crying; allergic to
cups of beer; cannot travel
overseas due to his inclusion
on numerous "no-fly lists."

Worth mentioning: Ron represents "Tha Q.B."
(aka, Queensbridge, NY).

Bob Sanders

Height: 5'9" Weight: 212 lbs. Reach: 29"

Strengths: Bench-presses
over 700 pounds; is unfazed
by what humans call "pain";
can go from 0 to 60 in just
under 0.48 seconds; doesn't
have a neck; remains
perpetually crunked.

Weaknesses: A short reach;
poor eyesight (he sees only
the amount of heat an object
gives off, not the object
itself); tends to toy with his
prey before finishing them.

Worth mentioning: Should the situation arise, he can utilize a nuclear powered self-destruct mechanism by typing a code into the number pad in his wrist.